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knit me more time...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
grad school

today I have the following questions: Why grad school? Why am I putting myself through this? Just to wind up with a phd and then search for a job somewhere? Why wasn't I smart enough to get a fellowship? Why do I have to be one of those people that don't test well? I find myself being terribly envious of grad students who have fellowships and don't have to panic about this every semester. And I don't like being an envious person. Why didn't I end up in that mythic "TA funding loop". I seemed to be a couple years (and a bad stats grade) too late for that. And why every semester do I end up feeling like crap about the fact I can't just write a check and pay for grad school and pay for my bills? I feel like I am back at Hofstra again (the first college I went to) sitting in the financial aid office trying to figure out how to get the loans to come in to pay for school. And the financial aid people would make me cry by asking me why my parents just can't write a check for it. That was 10 years ago. Jeez. Maybe I would like not to worry about this for once. I am at the point of dropping out- and not because I think my masters thesis still isn't good enough. (I don't even know about that most recent draft yet and I hope it isn't the icing on the cake of all this.) Working a Borders full time again might be really nice. Maybe I could be a GM eventually. Maybe I could live holiday shopping season to holiday shopping season. My stress would consist of a line of customers who need to find books. I would live for the customers that need me to help them pick out intermediate fiction for their grandkids who love to read. If this funding doesn't go through I might have to leave anyways.

posted by knit wit | 8/18/2004 09:52:00 AM

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