Tuesday, December 14, 2004
a self-reflective blog entry
I don't usually reflect much on my idiosyncrisies in this blog (I try not to bore readers with that anyway) but I feel inclined to do so tonight.
As you know, I defended my masters this week and passed. Everyone since than has been encouraging me to celebrate- to somehow be more enthusiastic about this milestone. I haven't been able to muster much enthusiam and I wonder why. After my anti-climatic defense, I could only feel stunned and somewhat releaved. As the experience of defending sunk in, I could only think about the criticisms, the questions for improvement, and the challenge of moving on to the thesis published (rewritten first, of course) and then to go on to write a disertation. So, while I guess I should somehow feel different and be elated, I can only think about the work to be done and how I could have done better. I even had a nightmare about the defense last night after defending! A prof pointed this out to me tonight (and she really hasn't known me very long)- that I am not letting myself be happy about defending. Until she pointed this out I didn't realize what I was doing.
Now, don't get me wrong- I've been to therapy and talked about this "constantly unsatisfied" part of myself a number of times. It doesn't come from my parents, it doesn't seem to come from anyone else either. It just seems to come from me. I used to argue with my therapist that it wasn't entirely bad to never be satisfied because then I just push myself to do more work. I still believe this. But, I also see that pausing to be happy with an acomplishment every once in a while is good. So, I'll try to do that.
posted by knit wit | 12/14/2004 11:33:00 PM