Monday, July 11, 2005
on being bearable
Jo is leaving tomorrow for NYC for a week. Part of me wants her to go so that I can be truly unbearable all by myself without dragging her into it (although she says I am not unbearable, I think she must be an angel for thinking so).
How bearable am I? You can decide for yourself...
I feel myself kicking into that "last push" mode where I just want to focus on nothing else but getting this prelim done. I want to not have to go into work. I would rather stay home, day and night, studying and memorizing. But, damn it, I have to go to work. I have to interact with people there. I would rather be totally reclusive. I don't want to run into anyone else who is taking a prelim who might have some kind of contagious case of panicking (although running into someone yesterday who just now started studying made me feel slightly better), or who might have some smug confidence (who the hell can be totally confident about these exams?). I also don't want anyone to ask me how this is going. I can't bear to answer, because I don't know how this is going. I volley back and forth between some measure of confidence, and total overwhelming panic.
My strategy over the next 3 weeks includes lots of Chocolate Therapy ice cream, trying to keep my blood pressure down so my hands don't swell up, and trying to keep from crying randomly while working. I guess this is what happens when you care about something so much, and I suppose that I wouldn't have it any other way. Sounds like fun, eh?
So just ignore me until August 3rd.
update: hey, folks. My sister described this post as "really sad." Looking back on it today, I think it is actually pretty funny. But, I just mean to say-- don't worry about me. I'm really doing OK. This is just what I need to do to survive the next three weeks. I feel really fortunate to know what it is I need to do to get through-- that self-awareness is something I've really worked for over the past couple years.
posted by knit wit | 7/11/2005 03:31:00 PM