knit me more time...

moving on

2005-11-25T16:01:00.000-06:00

This is my last post on knit me more time. This is sad in some respects as this was my first blog and I've been posting here for 1.5 years. But, I feel I have outgrown it in many ways- and when I feel that tug to move on and out, I have to follow it. I am thus announcing my new blog watershed. I've been posting on it for a couple of days. It is a wordpress blog with some great features blogger just doesn't have. Comments are back and I am very happy with the title, with no longer being "knit wit" and with being able to categorize my posts. I have some work to do on it, though, as right now I am just using a standard template. I need to move the blog to my own server before I can mess around with the template (or better yet, make my own- but I probably don't need that distraction right now). So farewell knit me more time! Change your links and come and visit me at the watershed!

the predictable ups and downs...

2005-11-23T07:12:00.000-06:00

...of grad school are becoming a little too predictable and and sometimes even, well, boring. Up: taking about dissertation with a visiting professor Down: a not-so-great grade on a stats exam Up: a bunch of great conversations with my advisor in the past few weeks Down: a probably not-so-great conversation today about said stats grade Up: increasing feeling of competence in grad school Down: having that yanked right out from under me Up: having a non-awkward time at a potluck with mostly faculty Down: crying in my office the next day over sadistics Up: knowing it is *just* stats Down: needing to get through it to get a freakin' phd I road the bus home last night with another grad student. We talked about all of these ups and downs. We talked about just being able to literally hang on. We questioned our own sanity for even being here. At least we're in the craziness together. Thanksgiving is tomorrow- it will be so very nice to take a day and relax. And I am actually looking forward to spending the weekend writing. It is good to be working on something new- feeling progress and movement forward. I'll just hang on to that for now! update: meeting with my advisor about the sadistics exam wasn't even close to a "down" as now I feel better. *whew*

lobstahs love guinness

2005-11-20T15:12:00.000-06:00

Last night we went out with friends to eat at Claddagh. The food was okay, the company was great, and the 2-part pour method of guinness was amazing. On the way out, I noticed this poster. Wow. My two most favorite things! I must own this. There isn't one on ebay right now- I'll keep looking. I am thinking of changing the name and look of my blog. It feels old- outmoded, and that I have outgrown the frantic-sounding title. Yeah, I do need more time, but I do not want my life defined as a struggle against time anymore. I am also not knitting much (a few rows every now and then doesn't really add up to much getting completed) and I am tired of being Knit Wit. Changing it to "Lobsters love Guinness" is tempting... but I have other ideas in mind. You'll see soon enough.

behind the times at the life cafe

2005-11-18T07:42:00.000-06:00

I just noticed that they made a movie version of Rent. (It also seems they remade the Poseidon Adventure, and the Fog- how completely unnecessary!) Jeez. I tend to be a purist about these things- I don't think they should have made a movie out of an incredible musical like Rent, especially this one. It just belongs on the stage- not on film. And isn't it kind of not about this generation of college kids? Or is the movie targeting those of us around 30 who lived near nyc and around a lot of theatre people? I haven't listened to Rent in years. I still probably know all the words by heart. It opened at the Nederlander while I was a theatre major (10 years ago), and as soon as we found out they left the first 2 rows open until the day of the performance for students, a whole bunch of us spent the night outside the theatre to get tickets as soon as they opened (well, it wasn't really the entire night- we were out at some club until 3am or so and then decided to try waiting for tickets). It was the original cast, relatively unknown at the time, and one of the very best shows I have ever seen. This musical was about us and it had total cult status like nothing else did (even more than the Rocky Horror Picture Show). Being the irritating theatre majors that we were, we used to sing songs from it all over the place- on the train, on the street, in diners etc... and probably annoyed the hell out of a lot of people. But, like I said, I haven't listened to Rent in years- it was a part of my life back when I used to have conversations about worshiping Stephen Sondheim, but not any more (thank god, although I will still argue Sondheim is the musical genius). I am more excited about the remastered dvd of the Sound of Music (that would make such a great holiday present, hint, hint).

cursing my name

2005-11-16T18:49:00.000-06:00

Nina over at the ocean has sent out a challenge for those of us who love the change of season from "nice to awful" (as she says) to prove our love. I don't know how to prove it, but I know that the shift to cold weather lifted my spirits today. A woman I work with told me she woke up this morning "cursing my name." I found that kind of harsh, but whatever. Why? Because I love the cold, the barren trees, and even snow. I even love the kind of snow we are having today- drifty and crispy in the cold, cold air. I was couldn't help but smile today as my face felt all frosty at the bus stop. I stood at the front window of Bascom Hall for a while more than content with the snow falling on trees that still had orange leaves. I know, I am not in the majority. I might even be totally nuts. I don't love summer. I really hate the heat. It makes me feel sick- frantic, not hungry etc... There is an episode of the Twilight Zone were the temperature of the world is rising rapidly, and people are trapped, stifling, dying from the heat. That terrifying- one of the most terrifying things I can think of (next to the episode with the man who loves to read but can't find time, survives the end of the world, finds a libary, is thrilled with having all the time in the world to read, and then shatters his thick glasses).

really?

2005-11-13T22:02:00.000-06:00

Following in sep's footsteps, I took an online quiz. I don't know a whole lot about Kristeva. Some is true to my interests- intertextuality, semiotics... but not so much abjection or the psychoanalyst part (and I usually shudder when I hear anything about Lacan). At least I'm not dead! You are Julia Kristeva! You were a student of Roland Barthes, and came up with such important notions as intertextuality and abjection. You are a semiotician, psychoanalyst, scholar of literature, and dozens more things. You are not dead. What 20th Century Theorist are you? brought to you by Quizilla

when the going gets tough the tough make soup

2005-11-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

After a morning of studying statistics, and faced with tons of reading to do, I got hit with the soup-making bug. We had tons of squashes that needed to be used up- so why not make the most of the season and make a creamy squash soup? So I spent an hour hacking away at the squash, cutting it up into little chunks. The winter squash was so sweet, it smelled like melon. I just peeked at how it is progressing after being on the stove for 10 minutes- and it looks like my sore wrist will be worth it! I made this soup last year- it was wonderful and I ate it over rice for lunch the entire week. I just added a tad too much cayenne that time, so this time I added just a very, very little bit. I don't follow recipes, I don't own measuring devices, and I never make anything the same twice. But, if you want to try making this, here is roughly what is simmering away on my stove right now...

2 winter squashes, cubed
3 various-sized acorn squashes
1 large leek
6+ cups of vegetable stock
olive oil
3 gloves of garlic
1 package of cream cheese (not added yet in the photo above)
some rosemary
some ginger
some cinnamon
some tarragon
some pepper
a tiny-tiny amount of cayenne

So I started the garlic in the olive oil, and then added the leeks. I let those cook down for a while, and then added the vegetable stock and some of the spices. Once that was simmering, I added my chopped squashes. Cover and simmer over medium. At some point, when the squash is soft, I am going to use my potato-masher to mash some of the squash. I want some left chunky too. Then I'll add the cream cheese. Then I'll just cook it a little bit more (20-30 minutes) until it seems done. Right now it smells incredible. I'll post an "after" picture later on tonight! (okay, back to work, I swear)

okay, I admit it.

2005-11-11T07:39:00.000-06:00

This semester I took on too much. I really don't know what I was thinking. I really didn't have much of a choice this time. Usually I am not able to admit this. Sometimes when I take on too much, I am able to back out of something, or at least relax my expectations about accomplishing something. Not this time- if I could I would. There isn't any way out- it will just have to be like this and I will just have to trust that January 5th will come soon enough. Here's everything on my plate: * seminar paper draft/pre-dissertation proposal (due 11/29) * reading for that proposal * studying for a prelim (Jan. 4th) * 2-3 more sadistics exams (one this Thursday) * 5 more weekly reaction papers due for political science * readings for both seminars * working 20 hours a week Well I thought writing it all down would make me feel better. Nope. But there are rewards to all this, right? Passing the prelim and getting stats out of the way will feel so wonderful. My reward will be going to Maine and doing nothing for 10 days in January. Getting this semester out of the way means I only have one class left. And yesterday when I met with my advisor about my seminar paper, she wanted to talk about who would be on my dissertation committee- pretty exciting! There is a small, small light at the end of the tunnel, I guess.

more progress

2005-11-09T10:26:00.000-06:00

Maine became the final state in New England yesterday to put a law on the books banning discrimination against gay and lesbian people! Yay Maine! We will definitely be moving back to New England (and not to Texas) as soon as possible. (read about it here) And Long Island (where we used to live) has been taken over by democrats (both the Nassau and Suffolk legislatures)! When we lived there it was all about the GOP and supporting Bush so this is amazing. I am about to enroll for my last class ever! I'm taking a Journalism & Mass Communication class in the spring along with independent reading credits for my dissertation. I guess despite how crazy and impossible the next 2 months seems... things are progressing forward!

some progress

2005-11-08T19:14:00.000-06:00

Today I actually passed a statistics exam! By a few points, even! Yes, this means I have never passed one before... I came close to passing the last one. Hopefully this all means sadistics will be over for me for good soon! And I just saw a rerun of the White House press briefing on Countdown with Keith Olberman (my favorite news show). Holy crap! If you haven't seen one of these lately, you should go here and read the transcript or watch it. Journalists are actually acting like journalists. They are pounding Scottie (who might explode of these days) and the White House. It is just beautiful. It makes me tear up, it is so awesome, but so overwhelming that it has come to this. The transcript doesn't tell you who the questions are coming from, but it wasn't just Helen Thomas (one of my favorite people, ever) it was also other reporters- April (last name) from MSN totally lit into Scottie. Wow. Just wow. Even Chris Matthews did a whole show last night on how the administration fabricated the case for war. I am no fan of Chris- I mean- this story was not news to me or anyone else with a brain, but to see him do a whole show on it as factual, without spinning it as a crazy, liberal conspiracy theory is awesome. Now that is some progress. There is nothing I love more than watching the crack grow in the facade of this administration. Of course, not having him in office at all would be ideal, but at least I can cross my fingers and hope now that I am watching their demise. They are certainly not good at not being on top, are they?

a few of my favorite autumnal things

2005-11-05T18:21:00.000-06:00

In a vain attempt to keep from panicking over all that I have to do within the next 2 months (prelim studying, pre-dissertation paper, seminar paper, stats, work, reading etc...), I am try to focus today not just on the readings I have to do for class, but on the beautiful autumn day we are having. We ran errands this morning and I had a hard time concentrating on driving given the incredible colors of the trees against the grey sky. We left the co-op just as it started to rain. The rest of the afternoon I drank tea and sat in my office looking out at the grey, grey sky and the brightly colored leaves, listening to rain and distant thunder. And I have sweet potatoes in the oven for dinner. I just wish autumn lasted longer than 2 weeks here in Wisconsin. I love winter and snow, but hands down, this is my favorite season. Here's why.

the colors of the leaves on the trees and the ground- reds, oranges, browns- sometimes so stunning they take my breath away (these are also the colors I most often wear, but nothing is as stunning as what the trees are displaying)
the sound of rustling wind through dry leaves
crunching leaves under my feet as I walk- I try especially hard to walk through leaves instead of avoiding them.
sweet potatoes and parsnips (my 2 favorite vegetables)
making soup with squashes, leeks and potatoes (my plan for tomorrow)
cold, rainy days like today
wearing cardigans

what kind of crap is this?

2005-11-04T08:13:00.000-06:00

This article from BBC is exactly the kind of "science" that makes my blood boil. The "scientists" have found that men prefer "pretty" women who have higher levels of hormones as they in better evolutionary shape to have children: "In evolutionary terms, it makes sense for men to favour feminine fertile women - those that did would have had more babies." Ugh. Just ugh. This must be from the onion, right? Nope. First of all, their sample is a serious joke. 59 photos of women, and 30 volunteers deciding whether or not these women are "pretty." How they can make any sweeping universal claims about the preferences of men for "pretty" women with that small, volunteer sample (not random and they use the word universal to describe all men's preference for pretty women) is beyond me. They also do not consider the known fact that beauty standards not historically static nor the same among all cultures, races and ethnicities. What might be considered attractive right now by some volunteers in Liverpool was not considered attractive by others years ago. For example, women in Victorian England painted their faces chalky white, which was considered very pretty. While it certainly isn't a sign of health, having a pale face was attractive and woman poisoned themselves with lead-based powders to achieve beauty. That is just one example of many of how measures of attractiveness change over time. And what about this photo they include? It is digitally altered to show what a "pretty" woman would look like (with higher hormone levels). The one on the right, I guess, that is what they consider a less-then attractive women, with lower levels of estrogen. First of all, the woman on the left is frightening- she looks like a plastic doll, or some kind of genetic hybrid person. I find the woman on the left much more attractive- she has more character and it doesn't freak me out to look at her. Jo agrees with me. There is my sample. See how subjective it all is? Or maybe their "logic" would be that it is that b/c I am gay and not looking for an evolutionarily fit woman to have a baby with? Oh my god- someone should study that! I'll leave you with this gem of a quote- "Women are effectively advertising their general fertility with their faces."

getting my head shrunk?

2005-11-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

I decided this semester that seeing a therapist again wouldn't be a bad idea. It took me a while to get a recommendation for a new one. I finally found someone and met her for the first time last week. She is nice enough and I think I like her although I am unsure that I actually need to see an actual shrink instead of just a therapist. She passed my first screening test of not recommending medication in our first meeting. My last therapist was like talking to a good friend. This woman seems very nice but is considerably older than me- more like talking to a grandmother. She also knows (as she told me) many faculty members in my department. Interesting. And I can't get over that she is a psychiatrist, my last therapist was just a counselor. I just think it is funny and interesting that she seemed typically like I would expect a psychiatrist to be like- Freudian. She thought my immobilizing high standards for myself must come from my school-teacher mom. I told her no- while my mom may have helped with some science fair projects, I don't think it comes from her (or my dad) at all. So she gave me the task of thinking about powerful (mother-like) women in my life for our next session. There's some food for thought. I'm not totally sold on her yet- but I don't dislike her either. She was nice, and I guess I am willing to give her a shot.

trick or treat

2005-10-31T19:49:00.000-06:00

This is the 4th Halloween we have spent here. We have always purchased candy, and never have had a single trick-or-treater. We kinda felt sad and lonely about it. We have carved pumpkins and lights in the windows every year, but no one would ever come by. So this year I gave up and didn't even buy candy. Actually, I kind of forgot it was Halloween until I saw a professor today dressed up like a cat. That really threw me for a minute until I realized why she was dressed like that. Well I heard a knocking at the door a little while ago. 2 adorable little kids dressed as a bumblebee and a ladybird with their parents. I explained that I had nothing- but apples- and that we had never had people come by before. The parents were nice, and the kids were too little to care, but still we felt bad. We would turn off our porch light but it is on the landlord's timer-thing. Oh well. Hopefully no one else will come by. I have serious amounts of reading to do tonight. And I want to go over all my stats one more time before the test tomorrow. Happy Halloween!!

I'm back.

2005-10-29T16:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, folks, I'm back. I have good reason for not blogging for the past couple weeks, I promise. Last week Jo went in for a routine mammogram, and then a suspicious lump sent her in for an ultrasound. We were laughing and joking with the ultrasound technician right up until the radiologist walked in and said it looked like cancer- then we stopped laughing. They scheduled Jo for an immediate biopsy and we found ourselves in one of the counseling rooms at the Breast Clinic talking about frightening things like stages, treatments and pathology results. It was all a pretty big shock to the system to say the least. We spent that weekend zoned out watching reruns of America's Most Haunted on the Travel Channel. Monday Jo went and had the biopsy. After a week of alternating between trying not to panic about breast cancer, panicking, and reading up on breast cancer treatment and stages online, we finally found out the results. Benign. We are both so very, very, very relieved. We were too exhausted from the week of stress to go out to celebrate, so we ordered a pizza and stayed home and watched a movie. Do radiologists get paid to scare the hell out of people? I suppose it is good for them to be on the safe side. At least a result of all this we are finally doing the legal stuff we never did before. So this weekend things are settling back to "normal"-- getting some school work done, studying for the upcoming stats exam (study group tonight and tomorrow), and going to a potluck tomorrow night. Oh, and Fitzmas was yesterday (a term I witnessed the birth of in the DU last week)! We have been obsessed with the CIA leak investigation. While I wanted Cheney and Rove indicted yesterday, I will settle for Libby and an ongoing investigation. A white house filled with crooks and criminals is sure to bring themselves down. And having a straight-shooting guy like Fitzgerald heading the investigation gives me a glimmer of hope that there is some part of our system left that can put the Bush Crime Family away. ... and I took a big leap and ordered this book from amazon.

(I would walk 500 miles)*

2005-10-16T09:23:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry for my infrequent posting. This semester is flying by, and every day I think "do I have anything worth blogging about? Any funny stories- interesting insight?" and I come up with nothing. Nadda. This semester is filled with tons of uninteresting things such as memorizing statistics equations, reading hundreds of papers for the last 2 seminars I will ever take, writing reaction papers I wish to god I didn't have to write anymore, and cranking out posters and website updates at work. So here is what I can scrape together for you today- for this (now weekly) blog posting... -- I finished my 2nd Mary Russell book this week (A Monstrous Regiment of Women). Even though I am only reading on the bus, I am flying through books right now (I have to slow myself down while I am reading- thanks to grad school I now read too freakin' fast to enjoy fiction). I can't recommend this book (and the one before it) highly enough. Until someone recommended these to me (called them "feminist mysteries" as I remember) I had no idea that there were mysteries with amazing characters, great plots and intelligent feminist themes and references to feminist texts and history. Oh I just love these books- I can't even stand it. I am ready to read the 3rd now- or maybe I should pause from flying through this series right now to read the The Angel of Darkness therefore stretching out the Mary Russell series as long as possible? -- I've been dog sitting this weekend. And Jo has also had her own dog sitting job on the far west side of town. Between these 2 (overbooked) responsibilities and taking care of our own cats, we have spent the weekend running around and now haven't seen each other for 2 days. And yesterday I lost my wallet for about 20 hours. What a pain not to have a wallet! I have been fortunate never to have permanently lost one before (and Jo ending up finding my wallet in our car later on last night). My original plan was to take the bus back and forth to our place to take care of our cats yesterday. Without my wallet I was stranded without a bus pass, without an ATM card, and without cash. But it was a really beautiful fall day, so I thought walking there would be good for me. Well, it turns out it is about 3 miles each way. So I walked A LOT. And while I am used to walking around campus, this was far more than I ever do in a day. And then I had to walk the dog- a far slower a walk than what she would have liked. *Oh and I thought of the title of this post while walking yesterday. Remember that early 90's song? That really irritating one around the same time that Ace of Base was popular? Yikes. I don't even want to waste the time googling it to remember who it was (alright- I googled it and it was The Proclaimers and there they have a greatest hits cd!). The song reminds me of when I used to drive to the Maine Mall with a long-lost friend, Shannon, who used to want to go there for the purpose of sitting and checking out boys. I remember being so beyond bored with that. Okay that's all I have for you.

short trip to Minneapolis

2005-10-09T15:30:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Minneapolis. I had written a long post from Minneapolis Friday but then blogger ate it. I wrote about the B&B we stayed at (an old sorority house), how cool it was to have my own room, and how the shared bathroom did indeed feel like we were in a sorority for the weekend. I don't think I have ever stayed in a hotel and had my own room- especially with a king size bed. The first night I slept there I had so much space that I ended up near the foot of the other side of the bed in the middle of the night not knowing which end was up and where I was. The trip was for a seminar- a bunch of us drove up on Friday and drove back today. The drive both ways was beautiful. I love driving. The leaves are changing and cows and farms are sprinkled everywhere. My time in Minneapolis was mostly a whirlwind of sitting in class, meeting people I didn't know and eating (especially great food I might add). Despite meeting all kinds of new people, it took getting me out of my surroundings (once again) to make me realise how much getting along easily with people matters. It is the people I get along with the easiest that I ought to stick close to. Friendship, like anything is, of course, work, but shouldn't be a chore either. So onward with the week then. Highlights will include getting back the stats exam, and hopefully not crying about it.

the healing hands of autumn?*

2005-10-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

It is October 4th. I live in Wisconsin. It is 76 degrees outside right now. The high today was in the 80s. I turned my AC on last night and again tonight for a little while. This is all very disconcerting. I want it to be crisp and chilly out. I want to wear turtlenecks and cardigans, not t-shirts. I know I am in the minority- but I really dislike the heat. Bring on Fall! And then after a month or so of crunching through leaves and drinking rum and apple cidar, (Wisconsin doesn't have enough of an autumn as it is) bring on some snow! *that's an Indigo Girls lyric, folks.

I kid the president*

2005-10-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Jo and I watched Bush's press conference in the rose garden this morning. Apart from the lies and the contradictions he spewed (how can he "not have a litmus test for supreme court judges" but still want someone who shares his "philosophy" is just beyond me), he just reduces me to tears sometimes. I mean, I know you know this, but the guy is a bumbling idiot. Yeah, yeah, maybe he is smarter and more calculated then he seems, but jeez is he just such a disgrace. I don't watch he speak much as it is too painful, but when I do I am frequently just crushed by the fact he is in office and still has another 3 years to fuck things up. Here's some wit and wisdom from Bushy-boy that I collected from the DU. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." --George W. Bush, on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005 "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005 "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." --George W. Bush, Poplarville, Miss., Sept. 5, 2005 *This phrase comes from Bill Maher and he always says it with affection and sarcasm. While Shrub is good fodder for jokes, but I would rather not have him around at all.

indulging

2005-10-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

Last week wasn't the best week (to say the least). By the time I took the bus home on Friday all I was pretty worn out and not at all looking forward to spending the weekend in my own personal hell (studying for statistics). I diligently spent Friday night studying, but also wound up indulging in some online shopping first. I don't like actually shopping in stores and I really, really don't like the mall, but I like shopping online. Especially for computer stuff and books. It was pay day, and I found myself ordering the next 2 books in the Mary Russell series along with a few books for class. Then I ordered a mighty mouse and an itrip for my ipod (so I can stop listening to Madison radio stations replay Hotel California and Money every 10 minutes while I drive around town). Then, I ordered a few bumperstickers. We took our election stickers off a while ago, and have had a blank bumper for a couple months. Soon we will have stickers that say "defend democracy: impeach bush," "war is not pro-life" and one that says "Coexist" will all kinds of different religious symbols. I've also been cooking a lot more- experimenting with meals so things don't get boring. I also like to spend time cooking when I feel stressed out as it just slows the day down a bit. When we went to Trader Joe's a few weeks ago I got a bunch of jars of their great pasta sauces, and a box of frozen breaded eggplant (only $2 for a huge box). It turns out that the breaded eggplant, sauce, shredded parmesan and rolls make yummy, quick, cheap, eggplant parmesan open-faced sandwiches. So those were my indulgences this weekend. And I met with a statistics study group yesterday. That was the most productive 4 hours I've ever spent studying for stats (despite our fair amount of complaining about how much we hated doing it- at least we all felt the same- misery loves company).

this weekend

2005-09-30T07:18:00.000-05:00

will be spent memorizing statistics equations. Nothing pisses me off more than memorizing crap I will never need to know again. And nothing makes me more angry than spending time memorzing, which has nothing to do with actually learning. But, there is no way in hell that this class is going to keep me from getting a phd. So I'm going to try not to be so angry about it and just get the exam out of the way. Ugh. In other random non-stats news. . . maybe soon I'll stop using my blog as a substitute for a therapist as I am currently shopping around for a real one. . . and I think I'll watch Harold & Maude again soon. I made an itunes mix of random Cat Stevens, and found myself thoroughly enjoying classic songs like "Trouble" and "Don't Be Shy". . . and there was something else I wanted to mention here, but I can't remember. . .

tripping over myself

2005-09-27T17:47:00.000-05:00

I have this tendency to make things extraordinarily difficult for myself. So very difficult that I loose sleep over what ought to be a simple, tiny thing that I blow out of proportion. This week the aforementioned 750 word paper triggered this lapse in reason. It is like I trip over myself- I am doing fine and then I get so very caught up in something, and progressively make it more and more complicated and difficult that it takes until the very last minute for me to realize what I am doing. It isn't that this happens a lot- maybe half a dozen times a year. And I know I do this. It is so frustrating that I know when I do this, but only realize what I am doing when I am already way past the point of panic. Everyone else seems to know I do it too. On Monday when I was freaking out about the small paper, my mom IM'd me that I am probably just making it too difficult for myself. I called Jo and suggested to her that I was making things too difficult for myself and she just said "of course you are- what else is new?" I even stopped into see my advisor who also quickly came to the conclusion I was making things too difficult, as usual, and managed to simplify things for me. So how do I go about preventing this from happening again? How do I see it coming? It isn't that I am totally clueless about myself- I have learned all kinds of tricks for preventing and dealing with stress. I know I take on too much, but I am getting better at taking care of myself through everything. This just really stumps me.

overworked, underappreciated

2005-09-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

I have literally spent the last day (long, long hours) getting through a book I chose to read for a class. And all I have to do is write a 750 word paper on it. I chose to read it because I had never read any 18th-19th century feminist writing before and who knows when I am going to have a chance to endulge in such stuff in the future. Don't misunderstand- I am so thoroughly enjoying this book, but also it is also killing me that it takes me so long to read. I am not a slow reader, but the text is just dense and hard to get through. And there was so much other stuff I needed to do this weekend... I must also gripe a little about my job- the job that pays my tuition and the bills. I never feel right complaining about it, as it is a job that is so hard to come by. It is the very fact I am so grateful for the job that makes me feel even worse when it makes me want to scream. Last week I thought I felt caught up with my list of things to do, and then Thursday and Friday filled the list up again, with no end in sight of actually finishing anything. Then, to top that all off, the head-honcho I work for pulled me into his office to ask me about something that I know nothing about and have nothing to do with. When I politely told him that, he asked what it was that I do. I wanted to scream, but I just calmly listed the miriade of the dozens of things that I do. I mean, I do sit at my desk frantically working every day. I do everything the half-dozen people I work for ask me to do. I swear I am not twiddling my thumbs for 20 hours a week. And I always try to tell myself I shouldn't care so much. As long as I have been in the workforce (since I was 15 and shelved books at the library after school) I have always cared 150% about work and all the little issues and dramas that came with it. Even when I was going to school full time, knowing that jobs were only temporary stepping stones, I always cared so much that people would have to remind me that it wasn't my actually my career (so why should I care what is or isn't in my Borders personel file). Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people that glides through life with (the illusion, even) of not caring so much about every little thing- getting detentions in high school, not doing homework, showing up late to work, late to meetings etc... Who am I kidding? I would never be able to survive like that. Instead I just have to deal with the fact I do care. And maybe try to be a little more vocal about the work I do (instead of being so modest, maybe). Maybe working on my own work would also help out with my sanity. Whenever I don't have time to focus on my own writing, I always get irritated by stuff like this way too easily.

wisdom from the side of a fridge

2005-09-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

This is on the fridge where I am staying. I think this is one of the most brilliantly true things ever written. I've been thinking about it all day. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Nelson Mendela

the first day of fall

2005-09-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors. I love how the humidity is replaced by a little coolness in the air, and how the air rustles through the leaves that are just turning crispy. I know, I am nuts that I love it when it gets cold. I am even so crazy that I love the winter. Snow is one of my favorite things (right up there with fall leaves, ice cream, and beer) and getting dressed to go out in the cold (turtleneck, sweater, down coat, scarf, hat etc...) is so much better than heading out the door in a t-shirt. Why am I posting about my love of the weather? (I could also mention how much I love thundershowers, but that one last night really kept me from sleeping.) Well, because everything else in my life seems so boring. I almost posted today about feeling caught up at work. Jeez. How exciting. I almost posted yesterday about the frustrating, irritating, and cryptic political science theory text I had to read, but that is even more boring than blogging about work. I nearly blogged about feeling stressed about needing to take care of my blood pressure, but I made a doctor's appointment and ate half a bag of salt & vinegar chips instead. See all that you're missing? All I have for you today is that it is the first day of fall and that I am dogsitting. I have high hopes for getting lots of work done this weekend. The end of September seems very close all of a sudden and there is so much I could get ahead on. How amazing is it that after being a student for, what, like 23 years, I finally figured out that getting work/reading done sooner than the night before/hour before class is a good idea? Anyway, I am always very productive when dogsitting for professors. Something about being in their space (and maybe out of mine) makes me able to accomplish more than usual. I did most of my data collection and analysis for my masters thesis while dogsitting for my advisor. Would it have happened otherwise? Yes- but it would have taken longer. Tonight, though, I have accomplished nothing. I woke up with a terrible headache about the same time the thunderstorm hit last night (at 3am) and thus got very little sleep. The headache lingered all day and made me generally grumpy at work. I left early. Now that the dog has been out and has been fed, I am looking forward to being asleep within the next 23 minutes.

film review: Darkness

2005-09-18T08:35:00.000-05:00

Last night we rented Darkness. Jo is reading reviews of it online right now and is so shocked that people hated it so much (5.3 stars on imdb- give me a break!). I guess if you like current horror films that did nothing for me (The Grudge, Hide and Seek etc...) then skip this one. This is a European film very much in the tradition of some of the greatest horror movies ever made (in my opinion, anyway) and it scared the crap out of me (few movies do that). The people working at Bongo video told us it was too slow. Sorry- this was not too slow- rather, it was beautifully filmed. Like a Kubrick film or a Dario Argento film. Every shot was freakin' beautiful. And it borrowed from some of my favorite horror movies- but not in a way that ripped them off. It had elements from some of my favorite horror films- Rosemary's Baby, The Shining, and Susperia. The end was not expected (something else that is hard to do) and the whole movie just leaves you really creeped out. I actually woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it, and then tried to forget it because thinking about this movie in the dark was starting to really freak me out. I would just highly recommend it. And while we are on the topic of films- I am so very, very sad that Robert Wise died this week. He directed so many of my all-time favorite films (The Sound of Music, West Side Story, The Haunting, The Day the Earth Stood Still). I think we own all of those on dvd. If I had a full day to spend (which I don't), I would watch them all in tribute to Robert Wise.

paddling the day away

2005-09-17T16:41:00.000-05:00

Did I mention how much we love living on the creek? We just really love it. Not only is being able to plop our canoe in the water any time we want wonderful, but we love the birds and ducks it brings to our backyard. We love how late in the day (like right now) the low sunlight reflects off the creek and sparkles on the kitchen and office ceilings. The creek also brings people by our apartment all the time. I sit in my office and watch people paddle by, and then we end up heading out ourselves to canoe. Well, today we went out with the intent of going to Target and found a bunch of canoes and people in our back yard along the creek. I recognized one of them as someone I took a class with last semester. He introduced me around to the Friends of Starkweather Creek. We had always meant to join but never actually made it to a meeting. They invited us to canoe along with them and we dropped our Target plans and got out our gear. The group ended its trip at the nearby Olbrich Gardens. We ended up venturing on with the person I knew, and his friend. With them we canoed all the way to the Yahara river (which is really much further away than it looks on the map or ought to be) and down the Yahara to the locks. Then we had to canoe back. The whole trip was 3 hours of canoeing along side each other talking up a storm, while admiring the turtles, the ducks and enjoying the cool-ish breeze. It was a long trip- lots of fun so we will canoe with them again- but I got a lot of sun and exercise and now just feel sleepy. I can't even imagine what my arms will feel like tomorrow.

where did the week go?

2005-09-15T07:59:00.000-05:00

This week was just a whirlwind of busy- not only am I not yet used to my insane schedule yet (let alone the workload that goes with it), a whole bunch of extra functions were added to the week as a Very Important* scholar visited our department. While I couldn't care less about Britany's baby or someone else's breakup with some country singer, this was person I really was looking forward to being about to meet and talk with. And talk with him I did! I drove him to a potluck, and found myself chatting extremely comfortably with him- we talked about all kinds of things, not even just sociology. I'm sure not every famous academic would spend so much time with grad students, but he was incredibly generous with his time. I talked his ear off about my past and future research, and then sat there and watched him read through one of my papers- thinking "oh my god- is he really reading that? is it crap? did I get his theory wrong?" After a quick read-through we talked about the paper, and then the next day I got another email filled with advice after he had read my paper more thoroughly. Unbelievable. That, added to work and everything else made the week exhausting. I came very close to falling asleep in a chair in the corner of the potluck I went to. I got some work done last night, listening to Bush's public-relations-motivated speech that Jo was watching in the living room. Interesting how they had power in downtown NO for his speech, and then took all the generators away afterward. The speech was such crap- like he cares about racial inequality. All his nice sounding plans for the Gulf region? They just sound nice- but really it will be a huge conservative social engineering project. Nice houses and neighborhoods that poor (African American) people won't be able to move back in to, and a nice profit for Haliburton. No nice speeches can take away the fact that there were 3 days when supplies could have been dropped in and people could have been rescued by the federal government and they weren't. At least this makes me feel somewhat better. My plan for this week? Read a couple books, and try not to leave the house. Oh- but the department potluck is Sunday. There go my plans to be a hermit the whole weekend! * "Very Important" in the sense that if there were a "holy trinity" of gender scholars, this guy would be one of them. One of his books would be one of the 3 major books in soc of gender (along with this book and of course, this book).

seeking advice

2005-09-12T07:34:00.000-05:00

This is a bird house that is hanging right above our back door. It is literally 1 foot away from the door, and not too far above our heads. Last summer, a cute little family of birds stuffed it with small twigs and made a home there. Well, the other day I was sitting on the porch, under the bird house, talking on the phone. I heard a terrible buzzing above me. Now I want to say that I generally like insects. I don't kill spiders. Unless a spider that I find in my house is really big, I leave it there. Bees, on the other hand, kind of freak me out. I have only been stung once- when I was like 3 and running around barefoot near a little wading pool- I stepped on a bee and it stung my foot. Can you see above in the picture the little yellow objects around the opening of the bird house? Yup- those are bees (yellow jackets maybe- I don't know). There are tons of them in there and we have no idea what to do about it. We just don't hang out much near the back door- we try to go in and out of the house really quickly. Moving it by hand is surely a very bad idea. I thought of maybe putting a big garbage bag around it and then moving it that way- but that doesn't seem like much fun. Where would I move it to? And how happy would the bees be once I sat them down in their new location and the bag fell away? I got a bat out of someone's house last week by trapping it in a big bucket and then setting it free- but that was a cute little frightened bat, and not a nest full of angry bees. So any advice?

a suggestion to the Illinois Tollway

2005-09-11T08:46:00.000-05:00

Usually, when there is a toll someone has to pay, it is a good idea to let them know how much they will need to pay before they get to the tollbooth so that they can have the money ready. Maybe if you put the toll amount ($.80 or $1) on a sizeable sign (or signs) on the highway before the tollbooth, then the person in the tollbooth would not have to get annoyed when a driver asks how much the toll is, and then has to scramble to get the change together. Not only that, it might also be a good idea to make sure that the signs under the tollbooth window have the correct information on them --not some seemingly random and incorrect toll information-- so that drivers do not prepare and then try to pass you the wrong toll amount. Maybe you, the Illinois Tollway, enjoy the confusion this creates. Maybe you like to keep people in the dark as they make them pay toll after toll. But those of us who only drive on your highway like once a year would appreciate a little more information to make traveling smoother. Better yet- why not just make people pay $5 once instead of small amounts every 15 miles. (more on our adventure to Ikea and Trader Joe's later...)

a close call

2005-09-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the bus today, listening to Dar Williams, engrossed in the Beekeeper's Apprentice, when I decided that I was going to stop blogging for a while. I reasoned that I had too much on my plate this semester- that I felt too committed to way too many things. And I didn't want knit me more time to become one more thing making me feel committed and frantic. But, then I arrived home. Jo was on the phone with a friend from NY. They were talking about me. They were talking about my blog. I guess this friend in NY ran into some of our other NY friends over the weekend. They all talked about my blog and how much they loved it and how they read it every day. They also relayed they were worried about me with my lack of posting. I didn't realize they knew about my blog, let alone read it everyday. Joining in the conversation, I told Jo that I was planning on not writing in my blog for a while. I guess the word is I should absolutely not do this. I have fans! The timing is just too weird- so I will not shut down knit me more time tonight! Yes, folks, I'm at the point I reach about 3 days into every semester. Completely overwhelmed. Gads- do I have tons on my plate right now. I just don't know how I will do it all. I know it could be worse, and I know that I always start out feeling this way and everything works out, but that doesn't stop me from imagining the many, many nights and weekends of work ahead of me. There are some good things going on, I guess. Jo and I are driving to Ikea and Trader Joe's on Saturday. We'll get bookshelves, food and other stuff, and then with those bookshelves I can finally get all the very tall stacks of stuff off of my desk. I sat in stats today and actually felt like I was getting it more than I did the last time I took the class. Some things I have to do twice, and that's ok. I also have a meeting about the upcoming dissertation on Monday- it feels good to be moving ahead with something. And I am reading fiction every day on the bus instead of trying to crame in readings that I have to do. Don't worry, folks. I'm not going anywhere.

denied.

2005-09-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

Jo and I went to donate blood today. We made appointments online last week, as after donating some clothes and a little money we felt like we had to do something more. Jo had never donated before, so it was all new to her. I used to donate pretty regularly back when I lived in NY but the last time I donated was way back on 9/12/01. That day, I stood in a very long line with about a thousand other people because we all thought there would be survivors who would need blood. Everyone was turned away, accept for those of us who are O-negative. That was the last time I donated. We got to the Red Cross center, right on time for our appointments. We ended up checking in with a not-all-there older man, and then sitting down to wait with others. The place was run so haphazardly that I couldn't even believe it. Nurses would come out and ask for the next person- we would all look at each other- and then whoever wanted to would just get up and go. We started to get impatient, but we were there as volunteers, so how much complaining can you do? Finally, I decided that Jo and I should go next. I got in the little room, and began answering all their questions. I almost made a joke about being pretty boring or something as all I kept saying was "no, no, no." Then, we got to a question I didn't remember from before. Did I live in the UK for more than 3 months since 1980? Yes. I did live there was I was a kid around 84-85. She checked her computer and then told me I could not donate. Ever. The reason- they have no blood test yet for mad cow disease. I was surprised and pointed out I used to donate regularly. It turns out that new regulation, she remembered, began on 9/14/2001. I pointed out they always wanted my 0-negative blood and she said "not any more." Then she wanted to know what it was like being in NYC on 9/11. I told her it was nothing like being in New Orleans right now was, and left it at that. So then I got to wait well over another hour for Jo to finish donating. The scene in the waiting room became more tense. The older man at the desk was clearly not writing down the order people had arrived in (or writing down anything at all). He didn't seem to care that some had made appointments, and that some had been there for as long as I had. The nurses would come out and ask for the next person and when people looked confused they would throw up their hands and say "well, whoever is next just go in that room- I don't care who is, so work it out among yourselves." This didn't go over well. Someone asked the man at the desk- "what? you aren't writing down our names?" He said "No. I am just a volunteer. I don't know who is next. I just have this list of appointments. I don't write down names..." and went back to putting red bracelets on notecards. One woman was not satisfied with this. She wanted an appointment so she could come back after running errands. Okay. Whatever. I waited so long for Jo that I started to worry about if she had passed out, and whether or not they would know to tell me that she had. She eventually came out- red bandages around both arms. They had to poke her multiple times in each arm to get enough blood out of her. But at least they wanted her blood! In the waiting room, I told her I had been disqualified. The woman who wanted to run errands looked at me in horror. I swear she thought I must have slept with a gay man, or something equally disqualifying and horrific. So, I explained to Jo it was because I had lived in England... and the woman went back to her Ladies Home Journal.

wayside

2005-09-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

This blog has fallen by the wayside, I know. Why? Well, mostly from being busy doing day-to-day stuff. Work has been crazy to say the least. Nothing notable has really gone on, either, so there has been little worth blogging about. I was going to blog about going out with my BBBS little sister to pick out a school backpack and how it made me remember how important getting new school supplies into a new backpack was to me when I was going into 5th grade. I was going to blog about the wonderful world of reading fiction. I finished The Alienist and started The Beekeeper's Apprentice. The Alienist was wonderful but the Beekeeper's Apprentice has taken my breath away. How did I not know about this series before? Whoever out there in blogland recommended it to me- thank you, thank you! And another reason I haven't blogged is that everything I thought about blogging about felt so insignificant compared to the hurricane. I am just so completely sad and angry that we have the "greatest military in the world" capable of dropping troops and supplies into war-torn countries and that there are still people dying in hospitals and in the streets 4 days after the hurricane. There is no excuse for this. I could have driven with my canoe on my car and paddled supplies to Charity hospital by now, and yet our military has ignored them and there are people dying without water. To say that I am angry is not even touching on the rage I feel. Thank goodness so many amazing people in this country are opening up their homes, donating money, blood and supplies. Bush just snarks around like a freakin' frat boy, barely even trying to convince people he cares. He doesn't even deserve to even call himself American.

doing nothing

2005-08-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

So I spent the weekend doing nothing. Well, I did do some things. I watched like 5 movies with Jo (among them The Terminal, Kinsey and Boogeyman). I made a huge fruit salad and ate too much of it. I made jalapeno poppers for a snack (from scratch). I chatted with my parents, and my sister, randomly surfed the internet and read blogs. I didn't work on any websites, I didn't reply to school-related emails. I kept thinking that I should be doing something constructive, but I held back the urge. Sure, taking a mental and physical break this weekend was necessary and generally appreciated, but I don't think I am very good at not doing anything. It almost gives me more anxiety now to realize there are things I could have done with that time. On the other hand, I feel like now that I have had a break, I can imagine being more productive and actually getting work done without forcing myself to do it (which is usually what I do). I kept thinking this weekend about a quote that I heard someplace a long time ago; "do without doing and everything gets done." While that doesn't apply literally to everything- there is something to be said for just not doing. Also this weekend I realized that since I gave up a while ago on "fitting in" someplace, that now all of a sudden I have actually found myself in a place where I "fit." There was no struggle to get there- it just all worked out.

poetry slam

2005-08-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

I spent the day yesterday busy, glum, and sleepy from insomnia. So, last night I did something completely different from anything I would ever usually do- thinking that taking myself to a new place to meet new people would at least take my mind off of things. So, Jo and I went to a poetry slam at our friend's music studio. Let me say, I generally dislike poetry. And what little experience I've had with poetry open-mic nights were also not so much fun. Recently I've discovered 1 poet that I like quite a bit, so we went to this poetry slam to see him (and I found out he knows this blogger too). Well this poetry slam was very different than anything I usually do. It was a small group of really interesting and very friendly people. Beer, chips, dip and watermellon. And the poetry was very, very good- surprisingly good, and therapeutic to listen to. We left kind of early because the beer and a lack of sleep made me too sleepy. And I actually slept through most of the night. Maybe getting my head out of academia every once in a while is a good thing. And this weekend? No work at all. I am taking 2 whole days off. That is hard to say. When I think of taking the weekend off, I think "oh- I could do some reading for my article," but I am going to try to resist the urge. This girl just needs a serious mental break already.

aftermath

2005-08-24T17:42:00.000-05:00

I may seem like I am doing okay, but really I am in a funk that I can seem to shake. I see the positive side of things- I know everything is a learning experience, and I am so thankful for support from caring people around me. I just feel kind of blue- thrown for a loop, beaten down a little, and just plum disappointed. I am so busy right now with doing a million detail-oriented tasks, and I am so grateful for that to keep me busy. I'll just keep plugging away and hope that this mood is just some passing phase. And I'm trying not to think of my work load for this semester (my job, coursework, stats exams, and studying for the prelim). When I think about that too long my head starts to spin and then I have to remind myself that I always get by and I always get things done. I usually love the beginning of the semester. I love new notebooks- maybe getting some of those will lift my spirits. I also need to clean and organize my desk. I feel disorganized and not in control of everything, so maybe that will help out.

one of those days

2005-08-23T07:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. It was frantic- I wasn't ever in the right place at the right time and I didn't get half of what I wanted to accomplished. And on top of it all I was going on like 3 hours of sleep- insomnia. ugh. I stopped by financial aid on my way up the hill to work. Every year has brought new and different financial aid issues for me to spend the end of August dealing with. This year I have funding, but the financial aid office forgot to process one of the forms that I so carefully turned in before leaving for the conference last week. So, I had to make the guy at the financial aid desk call up to the correct office, and I waited until he heard that everything was going to be okay. Now I just need to keep an eye on that online. After that I walked up the hill to work. I checked my email, put my sandwich in the fridge, and sat down to get some work done. I barely noticed that no one I work with was in yet. I decided to call the on campus tutoring center for a recommendation. I knew they wouldn't be able to help me, but I figured they could point me in the direction of someone who could. Why? I figure that to get through stats and 2 prelim exams, it wouldn't hurt to deal with whatever testing anxiety I have that makes tests not measure what I actually know. I got some very young sounding (and kind of snarky) undergrad on the phone. I explained what I needed. She was totally missing my point and kept telling me that they had volunteer tutors that helped with testing anxiety. I asked who these tutors were, and she said volunteer undergrads. Yeah. Like an undergrad is going to be able to help me with my doctoral prelim exam anxiety. Right. I explained that wasn't even an option- how could an undergrad even begin to imagine such stress? She continued to not get my point and kept recommending undergrads to help me. I got off the phone as soon as I realized how very fruitless the call was. Then it dawned on me why no one I worked with was in yet (it was 10am already). The Dean's retreat!! I totally forgot that the big retreat was that day and had begun at 9am. I ran down the hill and joined everyone right smack at the end of the Dean's opening presentation. The rest of the day was spent doing some group activities, and talking about work that I could have actually been doing if I was sitting at my desk instead. After the retreat ended it was back to work for a couple hours of frantically trying to get something accomplished. I walked quickly down the hill to catch the bus (carrying a box of papers). The #5 bus came, I put down my box to get out my wallet, and looked back up and the bus was gone. He just drove off with a bunch of people standing there. We all started to run down State St. to catch him. Missing the 4:24 means waiting for the 5pm bus which really doesn't get me home until 5:50. So I ran. The #4 came up behind us and offered to give us a ride and to track down the #5. This was successful after following the bus and honking for what seemed like an incredibly long time. I mean, was the driver even paying attention at all? Finally I got home. I got some sleep last night. I have too much stuff to do today. Today will just have to be better, right?

endings

2005-08-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

I am no good with endings. I can't even think about watching the final episodes of shows like M*A*S*H, the Golden Girls, or Mary Tyler Moore as I know I will just cry the whole time. And the episode of All in the Family where Edith dies-- forget it. Saw it once and I never plan on watching it again. (I'm not just terrible with fictional endings-- real life endings are impossible too.) So tonight was something like a 16+ tissue night with the series finale of Six Feet Under. It remained an incredibly fucking brilliantly genius show all the way to the very end. And I don't think I have cried that hard in a long time (ok, well, since last week, but whose keeping track?). It is truly amazing how a show that is all about death can say so much about life. I'll need to own all 5 seasons on dvd.

my so-called boring life

2005-08-21T08:08:00.000-05:00

I love it- this weekend my life just seems wonderfully boring. Friday night I fell asleep on the couch watching Columbo with Jo, still just exhausted from the last couple weeks. Yesterday's highlights include sleeping in (for me that means 8am), cleaning off my desk, and going grocery shopping at the co-op. I started getting some work done but mostly just spent the day getting organized. A neighbor brought over tomatoes from his garden, and I made a wonderful dinner of yellow squash, zucchini, fresh tomatoes, sheep's milk feta, and parmesan, all tossed with pasta, olive oil, and garlic. Simple and very, very yummy. Today's plans? Well right now I am watching Sunday Morning and drinking coffee, but I really do have to get some work finished. I need all my work/academic stuff to feel under control again. We plan on some canoeing as I think it will be in the 70s. I also have to watch the second-to-last episode of Six Feet Under before watching tonight's series finale. That will be very emotional, I'm sure. I just adore that show and just want it to go on forever.

home

2005-08-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

finally I am home for an evening. Just home. Granted I love to travel, and I even love conferences, it is just good to be home. The last couple weeks before I left for Philly are a blurr of so much, and since I got back I have just been walking around half asleep. Thank goodness my "day job" doesn't require much mentally. My mind is also just filled with so much. So much to think about and so much to process. Not bad things- just focussing on movement forward- just so much is on my mind right now. Someone mentioned taking a meditation class to me this summer- with my blood pressure issues and such, they thought it might be a good idea. At the time I thought there was no way in hell I could turn my brain off to meditate for even 2 minutes, but now I think it isn't such a bad idea afterall. I re-discovered how wonderful it is to read a great mystery this weekend (I finally bought this book tonight to read when I am finished with this one), so I feel good about letting my mind get all wrapped up in fiction- giving myself a break from everything else that keeps it busy all the time.

ASA: conference in a nutshell

2005-08-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

127+: the number of awkward conversations I had with people I don't know very well mostly at ASA (this is what is truly exhausting about the ASA conference and why I spend tons of time with SWS) Countless: the number of conversations with wonderful people I knew before or had just met (mostly at SWS) 5: the number of section receptions I attended in 1 night (yes, I was reception hopping-- the theory reception had the best food and also the smallest number of women in attendance. that last part must change.) 4: the number of ASA sessions I attended (my strategy of only going to sessions where big name people I wanted to see were presenting worked out nicely) 4: SWS meetings attended 5: the number of presenters at those sessions and my sessions who didn't have their presentations ready (they read from papers- flipping through in a disorderly way, they ran out of time, had way too many powerpoint slides etc...) 2: the number of times I presented 0: the number of times I was nervous about presenting (after the prelim nothing is scarey anymore) 4: the number of times the hotel screwed up our bill (I have to call them in the morning b/c they still charged me the wrong amount) 4: hours spent reading next to my advisor while waiting for our flight to leave 3 hours late. 236: pages read in The Alienist. (I highly recommend this book.) 1.5: hours spent sleeping and listening to music on the airplane on the way back to Milwaukee. 2: yummy warm chocolate chip cookies eaten on the plane (although they didn't get alone well with my nearly empty stomach at 1am) 1.5: hours spent alternating between chatting and sleeping on the way from Milwaukee to Madison. 2am: the time I got home 3am: the time I fell asleep. (I was strangely wide awake as soon as I got into bed.) 8:30am: the time I got to work this morning 2: the number of hours spent in a v.i.p. meeting this afternoon. Feeling okay, supported, stupid, smart, overwhelmed, cared for, tired, and so much stronger all at once: Priceless. (that's grad school in a nutshell)

Yay for free hotel internet!

2005-08-12T20:10:00.000-05:00

Not only can I check my email from here in Philly (who am I kidding- everyone who ever emails me is here!) but I can even blog from Philly, thanks to the free internet in our room! So I am here in Philly. The traveling this morning was really good for me. I can't describe it, but there is something about the movement of traveling- the state of being between 2 places and heading someplace that really helps to ground me so much. I even kind of like flying- that is when there are not screaming children, theatre troups, or people having loudly irritating conversations about fishing (yes, I endured all those things on various flights last year). Even flying on the very tiny plane that took me from Madison to Milwaukee today wasn't so terrible. Yes, it was the size of a minivan, but at least we were only in the air for like 10 minutes. And the guy behind me (all 8 of us were just so close to each other) kept cracking jokes like "hey- we all get both window and aisle seats!" I also got to listen to a conversation between a guy in an army uniform and a woman who befriended him by asking a lot of questions about where he was going and whether or not he was being deployed. He was being deployed- in the army reserve "to fill in and help out" in Iraq. This guy was literally a kid. Just like 19 or so, and all gung ho about being deployed. He explained his speciality was engineering-- "blowing up bridges and buildings." Great. The woman responded with "wow" and "oh- you are quite the young man" and a hearty "we're proud of you." It just made me incredibly sad to listen to them. Just so incredibly sad for this kid and others like him... and for those people who live in and near the buildings and bridges he prides himself in blowing up. I arrived in Philly and hooked up with Trina. After finding and then checking into the hotel we went to Philly's historic district for a little bit of siteseeing. Both of us are tired of going to cities and only seeing the freakin' hotels! We did a speed-through tour of the liberty bell, Independence Hall, and the Congress Building. All the history of where the Bill of Rights and Constitution was signed also just made me sad- all I could do was say "look at what Bush is stomping all over." What can I say, my day was somewhat about just feeling blue. But, I'm here, among some of the best people I have ever met. I have a couple presentations to get through, but nothing seems as frightening as going through the prelim. I even forgot all about that for about 4 hours this afternoon. It will be a good weekend, I swear!

leaving

2005-08-11T07:37:00.000-05:00

Even though the lyrics of "joyful girl" make me feel better, I don't want to leave my blog on what might seem like a sad note. I leave for Philly in the morning. I have plans to meet a friend at the airport and then to explore the city. I also have plans for dinner/drinks with other great people while I am there. For about 20 minutes yesterday I didn't want to go to this conference. Now I am really looking forward to this weekend. It is exactly what I need. I have 1037 things to do today. I did really nothing last night- but I guess that's fine. Thanks to everyone I spoke to/got emails from yesterday. With each one I felt better. And life goes on. So just to let everyone know the way I feel about grad school-- I am leaving here with a PhD or I am leaving here in a box.* Those are the options. And I am really very serious about that. *I can't take credit for that phrase- its a quote by ja. But it applies perfectly and I couldn't have said it better myself. Update: I just got 2 emails from readers worried that I am leaving the blogosphere. I'm not- I didn't mean it to sound that way. I'm just leaving for Philly for a few days and otherwise I'm not going anywhere!

joyful girl

2005-08-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

this is pretty cryptic and it is all i am saying here for a little while.

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and i mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

-joyful girl by ani difranco-

things to do

2005-08-09T17:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt much like blogging. Nothing is going on worth blogging about. Just lots of work (I was actually so bored with all the link-updating I was doing at work today that I almost fell asleep at my desk). And lots of getting things done. Little things- dropping off stuff at the financial aid office, returning library books, planning my upcoming presentation, and checking my email for prelim results a million times a day- things like that. Jo thinks that I should at least tell you a traffic story. Last night we were stuck in like 5 minutes worth of traffic in the mess of construction on E. Washington. The guy next to us was complaining loudly on his cell phone about how terrible the traffic was. We started talking about bad traffic experiences and Jo thought that mine pretty much would win any bad-traffic-experience-competition. Here goes. I was coming back from visiting Jony in New Jersey. The bookstore I worked at was having yearly inventory that night and I was expected to be there at 9pm, ready to oversee the counting of every cd in the music department. Jony lived right near the Outer Bridge Crossing, and usually that would be the fastest way to go home. Usually the trip would talk about 1-1.5 hours. I left around 3pm. I was driving my old 1983 green volvo station wagon (may she rest in peace). She overheated only when sitting and idling- if the car was in motion than she was fine as the breeze cooled down the engine. It was muggy and in the 90s out which didn't help, but what can I say, the car was old. The traffic going to the Outer Bridge Crossing was insanely backed up, so I decided to try the George Washington Bridge. Perhaps this was a bad choice. After sitting in traffic on the Garden State for well over an hour (turning the car on and off so it wouldn't overheat), I finally was able get to the GW. I chose the lower level. Also probably a bad choice. I inched along the lower level for literally 3 hours. I wish I was joking about that but I'm not. Not only was my car overheating, but it was so hot if I didn't keep the windows down I would die of the heat. Then we had thundershowers. Hot summer rain- not the kind that cools anything off. Yucky, hot, dirty water poored from the upper level of the bridge onto all of us on the lower level. We're talking really gross. And I had to use the bathroom so badly I thought I was going to die. And I had no food or water with me so I was starving. I had a cell phone so I was able to call work and explain that it was 7pm and I was still sitting on the GW and most likely wouldn't make inventory. They were totally not pleased. I think I got in around 11pm. Yup- 8 hours from NJ to LI. No one in Madison can really ever complain about traffic.

another day of summer

2005-08-07T19:08:00.000-05:00

Today I accomplished nothing. And it feels really good to just unwind. We went canoeing (after carefully removing like 25 spiders from our canoe) and that made me sleepy. I watched random TV all afternoon- mostly cooking and travel shows. I started watching the remake of The Stepford Wives but it was so terrible I had to turn it off. Skip it and watch the original instead. Now I swear I have to accomplish things tomorrow after work (like put together a conference presentation!!) But tonight is just for strawberries, raspberries, coffee, and Six Feet Under.

It was the beginning of summer, it was nearly the end of summer.

2005-08-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I didn't do anything that related to sociology. Actually, aside from thinking about whether or not my committee was spending part of their Saturday reading my prelim, I didn't even think about that much either. The day actually felt like summer, but at the same time I felt like it was too late to begin summer-- summer is almost over. This Friday I head to Philly for the conference, and then by the time I get back on the 17th it will be time to think about buying books and notebooks. What did summer look like yesterday? Well, we woke up late. I made a feta cheese and chive omelet. We went to the co-op. We drove out to Verona and ended up driving around Wisconsin farmland for a while. That drive through the farmland was unintended though, we were lost on our way to visit a friend who runs an animal shelter out there. We spent the afternoon hanging out with her a bunch of kittens- and managed to not come home with one! Once we were home we cleaned out the car, inside and out. Jo swears she didn't intend to squirt me with the hose but I don't believe her at all. We ate summer salad with flowers from our farmshare and then went to see a show a friend of ours was in. The all female-musician concert was down at UW on the lake. I had a beer and just relaxed. The music, the beer, the lake, sail boats and the kids running around in bathing suits just felt so wonderfully like summer. It felt like the beginning of summer and it is really pretty much toward the end. Today I really do need to get some things done though...

reading my mind

2005-08-06T08:32:00.000-05:00

It is as if Dar Williams peaked into my itunes library... Jony emailed me before the prelim this news that on Dar's new album she collaborates with Ani Difranco on a cover of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb." And a cover of Neil Young's "Everybody Knows This is Nowhere." Wow. Could it get any better? I'd love to hear Ani and Dar cover Zeppelin's "the Rain Song." Maybe some day! I actually watched a movie last night. Hide & Seek- it could have been great, but then it wasn't- Jo and I should stick to old movies as we are constantly let down by newer movies. I also saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the other day. It was okay. It was closer to Dahl's book in its creepy-British-let's-mess-with-kids way, but much further away in terms of the actual plot, which I didn't think was good. I thought it was very (I laughed where no one else in the theatre did), and I pretty much enjoyed it, but it was missing something the first movie head. And I'm sorry- but Johnny Dep pulled out some serious Edward Scissorhands moments- not original. I didn't enjoy his take on Willy Wonka at all. But the scene where Veruca Salt is dragged into the garbage by squirrels-- always classic. And I slept in this morning (for me that means 8am) without the sheer panic of waking up and thinking only about studying. We are going to give our volvo some TLC today- cleaning her inside and out.

family vacation sans me

2005-08-04T07:36:00.000-05:00

My whole family is taking a vacation this week. They rented a cabin someplace in the Maine woods on a lake between Belfast and Bangor. They've been swimming, hiking, canoeing and building campfires. My dad and brother spent the first part of the week there and now my mother and sister are there too. Way to take a vacation without me! My brother and sister called me last night sitting around a campfire toasting marshmellows. I'm jealous!! I'd love to be sitting by a campfire on the edge of a lake among pine trees! No internet, no email, no work to do, no laptop (although cell phones make the whole thing different than it was when I was a kid- we never had cell phones sitting around a campfire). Just a super-rustic cabin with 70s furniture and a porch. Granted, my preference would be for the cabin be on the ocean and not in the middle of nowhere on a lake, but still it just sounds so wonderful! Maybe next summer Jo and I will go in on this cabin-in-the-middle-of-no-where rental too, even if the idea of a "cabin in the woods" makes us think of the really creepy cabin in the movie Evil Dead. (see on the right). I think next summer, although I'll be taking another prelim, I'll plan on spending some time both at the ocean, and in a cabin in the woods...

and now the summer begins...

2005-08-03T07:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah right! I can take some time off- but I mostly just have a lot to do. But, in post-prelim land, at least I don't feel that constant tug of "ohmygod I can't be doing this, I have to study..." We spent well over an hour at the Half Price Books last night. I went in search of fiction to read. I wanted The Beekeepers Apprentice and they didn't have it. I looked at this one and almost bought it, but I couldn't decide if it looked good or not. I just couldn't make up my mind at all. Has anyone read it? Anyone read any other good mysteries/fiction? I did walk out with The Alienist, which I have always been interested in reading. And Jo wants to read it after me, so that will suffice for right now. I have to head into work soon. Today my new mini ipod will probably arrive. No, I didn't just buy it, my mom is getting a new ibook (no one should run a business on a crappy PC!!) and the ipod comes free with the ibook. She doesn't want it, and my very old 1st generation ipod is finally feeling its age and so she is giving it to me. Yay! I think waiting for prelim results is going to be terrible if I don't try to forget about it now. I couldn't sleep last night and I kept going through everything in my head trying to decide if it was good enough to pass. I go back and forth. I think something I did were great, but I'm not sure about other things. I also know I am way too hard on myself so I don't know how that clouds my judgment either. I honestly think I did my best with what I read and studied but I don't know if that is good enough*. Obsessing over it won't get me results any sooner so I think I'll try to stop thinking about it. After today though, as I know everyone I work with is going to ask me how it went. *'Good Enough' is a great song by Sarah McLachlan. Maybe it will be the title song of a new itunes mix for the rest of the summer. I think the mix I listened to over and over while I was studying needs to be retired.

decompressing

2005-08-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

The prelim was today and it is now over. I'm okay, it was okay. I thought I did great on some parts, on others I'm not so sure about, and others, well, yikes. Did I pass? I don't know- it could go either way. If I have to take it again, then I'll chalk this up to a learning process. All in all I think I did the best I could given the questions. Now is the waiting gain. I really hope I find out before going to Philly. . . Putting aside whether or not I passed, I do feel good about how I have handled this whole process. I really didn't freak out. I kept myself pretty healthy. I remained confident even though today. I outlined every answer with headings, I had arguments and positions on everything (some of them may creative/convoluted arguments). Intros and conclusions. I didn't run out of time. So, hey that counts for something, right? I'm heading out for dinner with Jo. And a much deserved beer. And then to buy some fiction. That's what I'm reading for the rest of summer- fiction.

4 days...

2005-07-28T22:03:00.000-05:00

Just 4 days now to try to learn as much as possible before the exam. I've followed my study schedule very well for the last week, so being on something of a track is helping me not totally panic. I have no clue if I know what I need to know, if I can remember what I need to, or if I can spit it out in the required way. I'm still trying to maintain blind confidence about this whole thing. If I can keep that going for the next 4 days that has to count for something. And I really can't wait for this to be over. Pass or fail, I just want to be done with this already. As I mentioned before, I've neglected so much, mostly just in the past 2 weeks. When I think about it all I get a little freaked out, so maybe listing it all here will help push it out of my head for a little while. I'll just post it all here, and then I'll be back in 5 days to tackle the list. You won't see me before then. The Neglected: - Jo (watching movies, hanging out, canoeing, going to Circus World in Baraboo, and all the other stuff we talked about doing this summer). - Knitting. I have kept myself from knitting. I knew if I started my cardigan that it would just be one more thing to lure me away from studying... - Cleaning the inside and outside of my car. - Cleaning/organizing a couple closets. - Filing my files in some order, instead of how they are currently shoved into the filing cabinet. - A couple websites of some significance. - Work. I left work early today. I will probably call out on Monday. I'll say they don't want me around as I am pretty grumpy and on edge. I think that will be best for everyone involved. - My BBBS little sister. I cancelled on her once last week, and this week I was just not fun to hang out with as all I wanted to do was study. We are going to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory next Thursday, so that will make it up to her somewhat. - My cats. I just push them away from either the keyboard or writing all the time. They are snuggling with Jo more now. - Fiction. We are going out Tuesday night after the exam to buy some fiction to spend August reading. - 2 conference presentations-- for the conference I leave for on the 12th! - My article. I almost forgot that. Jeez. That's no good. I'll also want a draft of that done before leaving for the conference as well. Well, that really doesn't look too bad. But, it will keep me busy. Ok. Wish me luck.

raising our bars

2005-07-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

Jo and I are about to move up in the cell phone world. We are cancelling our old and crappy cell phone service and our long distance land-line for 2 brand new flippy cell phones and a family calling plan. We've had a cell phone for a long time, but until we moved far away from so many friends, we never really used it. We have been trying to use the cell phone for the free long distance all year, but our signal has been crappy, so we decided to "raise the bar" and switch to Cingular. Despite the fact I generally hate cell phones (I really hate listening to people on campus/in the store/on the bus chat away on them like no one else is around), I am kind of excited about getting a new gadget. I really love gadgets. And it will make travelling much, much easier. If Jo was stuck on the train, for say 8 extra hours, she could call home. When I am in Philly next month I can call her without having to set up a time to be in my hotel room so she can call me. But, I don't think anyone else will really call me on it. That may be why I have never carried one around- who is going to call me on my cell phone (other than Jo to ask me to stop by and get something at the co-op on my way home)? I never get calls on my land-line, let alone on a cell phone. Actually, it will probably be off 90% of the time. So I'll have better reception and I'll be able to call Jo from airports, but I won't be one of those people walking through campus talking like no one else is around. I swear I won't.

the rubberband man

2005-07-25T07:49:00.000-05:00

Well the back to school commercials are on. It is nearly August, and I figure there will be about 17% of the summer left after the August 2nd prelim. When I factor in all the other work I have to do after the prelim (oh jeez, so much stuff has been neglected) that leaves about 9% of the actual summer left. I'm kind of complaining and kind of not. I do love back to school commercials and going out to by school supplies. I just wish the summer hadn't vanished right before my eyes...

twice as nice

2005-07-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

2x this week I have gotten stuck in torrential downpours and soaked right through my clothes. (The first time was on my way up the hill to work on Thursday. The 2nd time was today coming out of the library.) 2x this week I've eaten at Lao Lang Xang, my favorite restaurant in Madison. (Jo and I went last Wednesday, and tonight we are going with Bob & Jodi, who haven't eaten there before. I'll probably even get Squash Curry again.)

Saturday

2005-07-23T08:39:00.000-05:00

I'm heading out to school soon, to hide myself in a library cubicle for the day. That is the only way I am going to start seriously memorizing stuff. No destractions. I'm not even bringing my ibook-- just my hundreds of pages notes I finished printing yesterday, paper, index cards, colored pens and a sandwich for lunch. Fun times on a summer Saturday... Like Sir Edwin, I could see myself giving up and throwing in the towel right now. But, then, like Sir Ed, the fear kicks in. Shear terror ought not to be a motivator, but it is very real, and hell, whatever gets me through works fine for me. I ran into a prof at school the other day who commented something to the effect of studying for the prelim must be "fun" because I get to totally immerse myself in what I love. Okay. Sure. But that is true only to a point. "Totally immerse" implies not having to go into work everyday, and not having any other responsibilities. That's just not the case. And it is an exam. With all kinds of memorizing and (whether it is most in my head or not) pressure. There's nothing like a big exam to suck the fun out of material you otherwise love more than anything. Yeah, I know I don't have to do this-- I choose to do this, but right now given a choice, I would choose to spend the day cleaning the inside and outside of my car, and then watching a bunch of movies and eating ice cream with Jo inside our wonderful air conditioned apartment.

on coming out

2005-07-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

Since my present life is boring/excruciating/exhausting/dull, and all I am doing is wallowing in the misery of trying to memorize huge amounts of information, I thought I'd tell you a little story today instead of another prelim-post. Why this story? Well, while I was eating dinner (amazing left over Squash Curry- only my favorite food ever) Jo was watching some documentary on TV of older lesbians telling their coming out stories. I watched it for a few minutes with her, and it made me remember this... When I came out I was 18, and in my first year of college near NYC. My friend Sherri and I came out together (well, not together, we were just great friends). We searched everywhere for any info on being gay-- all we had was section of the school library with a few such books (the world wide web wasn't really around then). Well, trying to be very good young lesbians, we read all about lesbian and gay history. We read about Stonewall, Christopher Street, and the West Village. So, we took the train in one weekend in search of this "heart" of gay America. We went into the city and took the train down to Sheridan Square. I have such fond memories of spending so much time in that neighbor, although I usually go to the East Village now instead. We walked past the Stonewall bar and through the garden across the street (picture above), and then we stumbled on the Oscar Wilde Bookstore. We went in, of course, and were totally in awe of all the gay and lesbian books. Not even knowing where to begin, and being very eager, we asked the friendly woman behind the counter for suggestions. I think I told her that I had just come out, and wanted a couple really good lesbian novels- like, you know, "must read books." She walked me over to the fiction section and handed me two books- The Well of Loneliness and Curious Wine. They were "the best," she told me. The first one I read was the shorter and "newer" of the two, Curious Wine. Total crap. I mean, as trashy as any silly erotic romance novel. So terrible and badly written, I'm surprised that I even finished reading it. Then, I read The Well of Loneliness. It started out pretty interesting, in that old-novel kind of way. But it grew more and more depressing with every page. It was a miserably sad book that left me seriously scarred for quite some time. I haven't read any lesbian fiction since.

glass half full

2005-07-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

I am so tired. My eyes are sore, my brain feels slow and groggy. I felt so refreshed after letting myself take most of the day off on Saturday, and now after a few days of studying I am exhausted again. I will be so very relieved when this prelim crap is over. I really do love what I am studying, but also loathe exams. I am trying to stay positive, but when I let my mind wander to the possibility of not passing, (beyond thinking about how terrible that would be) I think that at least I'll get to spend more time learning the material even more thoroughly... What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? I guess I am just one of those "glass half full" people to the core. Jo is home! After a train ride home delayed by a mere 8 hours... and her ride to NY was also delayed by 4 hours. She won't be taking Amtrak again. She is cursing their name. Next time, she'll fly. Renting a car and driving would have even been less stressful, cheaper, and faster! We are going out to eat tonight- to just catch up, spend some time together, and to celebrate the fact her album was released internationally yesterday! Oh yeah, did I mention my insomnia is back? The last 2 nights- even when I do sleep I wake up feeling like I haven't. Jo brought some lush stuff back from NY, so maybe I will try a relaxing bath before bed tonight (instead of what I have been doing before turning out the light- trying to read as much as possible to squeeze the most out of the day). That might do the trick. Sorry this is a boring post. That's just the way it is right now.

random favorites

2005-07-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

New Glarus Native Ale Antiques Roadshow Watching the ducks and birds from my office window The card above my desk that asks "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" Six Feet Under

movie marathon

2005-07-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

Today I couldn't shake feeling incredibly run down-- like if I didn't seriously take it easy I would come down with the flu or something that would take multiple days to get over. So, I took it as easy as I know how. I made a wonderful salad from the contents of our CSA vegetable box- basil, cucumbers, radishes and green onions. This afternoon/evening I ended up planted on the couch and watched 3 movies in a row (I was also trying to review my notes on feminism & the welfare state, women's movements and citizenship at the same time. Sometimes that endeavor was successful and sometimes not). First was Heavenly Creatures on the wonderful new station Logo. I've wanted to see it for a very long time, but every time I had the opportunity to watch it Jo didn't want to see it again as she found it too messed up. Well, I loved it. I just thought it was incredible, and incredibly disturbing all at once. I really like Kate Winslet too- my other favorite movie of hers is Hideous Kinky. I couldn't watch all of the final scene of Heavenly Creatures (you know what I mean if you've seen it) so I flipped quickly to a nearby channel and ended up watching in horror as waves covered Manhatten in The Day After Tomorrow. There's nothing like flipping back and forth between 2 very differently upsetting scenes. I ended up watching the rest of The Day After Tomorrow. It was an all around crappy movie with some really terrible acting. But, I laughed quite loudly at the irony of having Mexico turning away American refugees, and then that the US had to forgive all of Mexico's debt in order for Mexico to let Americans go there. After that movie was over, the next movie was Garden State. Another recent movie I haven't seen (there are a lot of them) and kind of wanted to. It was a really decent movie- actually, pretty good. And I got kind of wrapped up in it, and even put down the reading I was trying do and just watched the whole movie. Now I'm heading to bed, hoping that I feel less under-the-weather in the morning. Just 2 more weeks of this pre-test-taking hell... just 2 more weeks...

update

2005-07-15T21:32:00.000-05:00

It's 9:30pm. I'm working on a draft of my article. Why am I doing this? I must be seriously insane. I am looking forward to only leaving the house once between now and Monday morning (I have to go and pick up our vegetables tomorrow). I need to finish all my notes for the macro section of the prelim this weekend, and then it is on to 2 weeks of making outlines, notecards, and memorizing like a crazy woman. All of a sudden I am struck with an intense urge to read fiction. I mean, to get lost in a really wonderful novel. It has been at least 4 years since I last read fiction. It has been longer than that since I read fiction regularly. I want to re-read To the Lighthouse and My Antonia. I want to read War of the Worlds and Gertrude Stein's Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. I even want to read The Beekeepers Apprentice that at least 10 people have told me is wonderful. (But, I am so very cautious with any "new-ish" fiction.) I want to read really good fiction, damn it. Any recommendations? Speaking of fiction. I worked at an indie bookstore in NY where we used to get a kick out of customers who came in looking for the "non-fiction" section. We used to say something snotty like "non-fiction is everywhere but over there" (over there meaning the fiction wall along the side of the store). Then we would wait for the confused and/or irritated customer to sort the distinction out in their head before finally asking "what kind of non-fiction were you looking for" with a smile. Jeez, that bookstore took itself far too seriously!

any ice cream flavor will do

2005-07-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Following the lead of Ang and Sir Edwin, I decided to take the oh-so-insightful "what ice cream flavor are you?" quiz.

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

That works for me. I love Strawberry ice cream. I also love chocolate, vanilla, chocolate chip, mint chocolate chip, NY Super Fudge Chunk, Butter Pecan, Coffee, Coffee Java Chip, Toffee Heath Bar Crunch etc... What can I say? I just really love ice cream.

vernacular photography

2005-07-14T07:52:00.000-05:00

bighappyfunhouse has a great recommendation for another vernacular photography site today, Square America. Check it out. I looked at it for a few minutes (but I seriously have to head out soon so I stopped) and there are some wonderful photographs there. I love found photos. I have about 100 or so myself (from the 1930s and much earlier- lots of tin types). Some day I'd love to make a website for them but that requires lots of scanning and such. Some day...

freedom

2005-07-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

There's a guy I work with (we share an office) who I frequently get in a lot of political "discussions" with. Well, sometimes they are discussions and sometimes they are arguments. Among our topics of discussion...

I had to explain to him a while back that people not everyone who studies gender or women's studies thinks women are better then men. Actually, that would probably be a minority. I also explained that studying gender, meant studying men, not only women. I added that most sociologists and activists (the ones I know anyway) would define feminism simply as wanting equality for men and women. He was surprised with all this information, but I couldn't tell if he was pleased or not to know I wasn't the "feminazi" he imaged me to be.
Who the so-called "insurgents" really are in Iraq. Why they might not want us occupying their country. This one ended in silence from my office mate. What do you mean, fighting against an occupation?
Whether or not women can be high school principals (seriously, he brought this up with me one day). He tried to argue that women are only suited for elementary schools and (I couldn't believe it could get any worse) that black men are more suited for high schools like Madison East because black kids will listen to them. Fuming, I told him he really shouldn't even suggest such things to me, and that he didn't want to have this discussion with me as I was about to go off on a rant on sexism/racism, and that I really needed to get some work done. He stopped talking. Was he trying to pick a fight with me?
Yesterday he announced that he thought the saying "freedom isn't free" was brilliant. Because, he reasoned, freedom isn't free. You have to pay a price for it. I just sighed heavily, pretended to be very involved in whatever I was doing, and never replied.

I mean, come on people. Take a moment and really think about that "freedom isn't free" statement you have coming out of Bush's mouth/on your bumper sticker. Think about it. Let me try following that statement through-- if freedom wasn't free, then it would cost something, and then it wouldn't be... free? That seems to be one of the most vapid, illogical statements I've ever run in to. It is like nails on a chalkboard whenever I here it. Today hopefully we'll try to keep the conversation to work/computers. Oh, no, that isn't safe either. Then we'll have our usual Apple versus PC arguments.

on being bearable

2005-07-11T15:31:00.000-05:00

Jo is leaving tomorrow for NYC for a week. Part of me wants her to go so that I can be truly unbearable all by myself without dragging her into it (although she says I am not unbearable, I think she must be an angel for thinking so). How bearable am I? You can decide for yourself... I feel myself kicking into that "last push" mode where I just want to focus on nothing else but getting this prelim done. I want to not have to go into work. I would rather stay home, day and night, studying and memorizing. But, damn it, I have to go to work. I have to interact with people there. I would rather be totally reclusive. I don't want to run into anyone else who is taking a prelim who might have some kind of contagious case of panicking (although running into someone yesterday who just now started studying made me feel slightly better), or who might have some smug confidence (who the hell can be totally confident about these exams?). I also don't want anyone to ask me how this is going. I can't bear to answer, because I don't know how this is going. I volley back and forth between some measure of confidence, and total overwhelming panic. My strategy over the next 3 weeks includes lots of Chocolate Therapy ice cream, trying to keep my blood pressure down so my hands don't swell up, and trying to keep from crying randomly while working. I guess this is what happens when you care about something so much, and I suppose that I wouldn't have it any other way. Sounds like fun, eh? So just ignore me until August 3rd. update: hey, folks. My sister described this post as "really sad." Looking back on it today, I think it is actually pretty funny. But, I just mean to say-- don't worry about me. I'm really doing OK. This is just what I need to do to survive the next three weeks. I feel really fortunate to know what it is I need to do to get through-- that self-awareness is something I've really worked for over the past couple years.

war of the worlds

2005-07-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

We just got back from seeing War of the Worlds. (Some breaks from studying are necessary, even if it seems frightening to take a break, working every second of the day is also frightening.) First let me say this is a phenomenal movie. Really amazing. For about 90% of it I was so totally terrified that my palms were sweating and my was heart pounding. And I've seen a ton of scary movies. I mean, really, this movie is so incredibly well done-- so close to the original book and so wonderfully filmed, I will have to see it again. But the ending crapped out. As so many endings to great movies do. I mean, jeez, Steven Spielberg, if you're going to scare the crap out of us while we watch people being exterminated/disintegrated/used for fertilizer for over an hour, then at least don't wimp out and give us a cheesy tied-together-with-a-bow hollywood ending. Please. It is a movie worth seeing. It is unusual to think of Americans as refugees. It is humbling to think we could all be blown up tomorrow anyway. Well, on that note- back to studying.

"words"

2005-07-09T23:28:00.000-05:00

While studying for this prelim, I have had to "add" a lot of words to my dictionary in MS Word so that they don't keep coming up as misspelled all the time. I discovered today that I can pull up a list of these words. Seeing the list like this is funny-- there's nothing like a discipline like sociology to make up all kinds of "new" "words" (or to put a lot of potentially problematic terms in "quotations" all the time). Anyway, I have nothing else to post, so I thought you would appreciate them... ahistorical androcentric androcentrism classism decenter decontextualizes emancipatory embeddedness embodiness essentialized ethnomethodology extralocal femininities genderedness heteronormative insiderness interactional interactionism interactionists intersectionality intersexual jeopardies knowers knowledges masculinist masculinities microsociology normativity operationalized outsiderness positionality problematize reconceptualization relationality situatedness situationally sociobiological sociohistorical structuration totalization transgressive transnational transnationalism transnationally universalist unsituated

patterns

2005-07-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

mornings: I've been setting the timer on our new coffee maker to wake me up early so that I can start working. But, this plan has been foiled every day this week by waking up with a headache. It then takes me 2 hours to get rid of the headache before I can sit down at my desk and work. The plan all along has been to not make myself physically sick over the prelim. It seems I have to work on that some more. evenings: Instead of the "after dinner walk" some people take, Jo and I have started taking after dinner canoe trips. Canoeing in the evening is wonderful-- it is cool, the sun isn't beating down on us, and there are tons of dragon flies and frogs on lilly pads to enjoy. the missing: I'm having a lot of dreams about the London bombings and 9/11. This morning I turned on the TV to see posters of the missing on BBC world news. That sick to my stomach feeling of sadness, that the missing weren't ever going to be found, came flooding back as if I was standing in the 4th street station again in September of 2001 all over again, looking at the missing posters plastering the walls. I am struck, though, by how calm and strong Londoners seem (at least on BBC news) as after 9/11 in the city nothing felt calm or secure. I wonder if it actually feels so calm in London. I wonder how New Yorkers seemed on TV after 9/11.

looking ahead

2005-07-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

Inevitably, August will come. The prelim will happen. Hopefully, I'll pass, even if it is by some super-slim margin. On a day like today (and on all the days ahead of me too) it is good to remember there is life after the prelim exam. Not only life, but some actual things to look forward to. My sister is coming to visit after the exam and before I go to ASA/SWS. She hasn't been here in a few years, and I'm sure we'll have lots of fun. And I just got my tickets today to go to Philly for the convention. Getting the tickets always makes upcoming trips more of a reality. My hotel room and roommates are also squared away, and despite my general anxiety about the prelim, I am also very much so looking forward to seeing people at the convention. I'll either be leaning on them for "help me stop myself from dropping out of grad school" support or there will be some celebrating. I've also never been to Philly, and unlike Atlanta where I didn't know anyone there at all, let alone to sightsee with, this time I am going to do some sightseeing.

shopping and going out...

2005-07-08T08:05:00.000-05:00

Confession: for the last couple of days I feel like I have done more in the way of shopping and going out then studying. Unless printing, organizing my notes, 3-hole-punching them, and reading them on the bus counts. The day before yesterday when I got home from work we went out in search of a new coffee maker. We had to give up on the automatic grind requirement. It seems our cheapo Mill & Brew was the only one that had a grind setting (1-7) so you could set how fine you want the beans ground. Just 1 setting is kind of unacceptable-- different coffee and different people need different grinds (yeah, I did work in Borders cafe for a while). So, we ended up with a lovely Krups coffee maker. It doesn't grind, but it makes great coffee, and beeps when it is finished. So, we have to grind the beans in the morning. We'll live. We also stopped by Old Navy while we were out and I bought the most amazing pair of sneakers. And I just saw online that they have them in green. I might have to get those too, considering half of my clothing is green. Last night, we went out to the CD release party for No Camouflage. (Jo has a song on there.) We hung out there for a while, and listened to some of the music, although we left at 9pm. While some of the audience was great, we were both shocked that many people wouldn't stop talking while the speakers and performers were talking. I mean, it is a larger venue than Mother Fools (I've never seen such a rapt audience before), but presumably people were there for the anti-war CD release party as they paid to get in and got a copy of the CD. So, I don't know why people wouldn't shut up during the speech made by the guy from Madison's Veteran's for Peace. And they were even ruder during David Hart's performance. We left after that. Just going for David Hart was worth it- his spoken word poetry is so amazing. Other than that I felt like I was getting a headache from trying not to be pissed off at speaking talking too loud, and trying to strain to hear the speakers over the crowd. Unbelievable. So this weekend a ton of studying needs to happen. And another article draft? Is that possible? We'll see...

shameless Jo promotion

2005-07-06T15:46:00.000-05:00

Today Jo and I found out that her new album, "Island" is already being sold in the US! The international release isn't until the 19th, but Projekt Records just went ahead and started selling them. It will also be available through itunes on the 19th. So check it out here... (we're heading out in search of a new coffee maker now... not having coffee tomorrow is just not an option...)

coffee please!

2005-07-06T07:51:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Our wonderful Melitta Mill & Brew coffee maker has decided not to make us coffee anymore! Oh the horror! For some reason, you put 7 cups into it, and only 2 come out. The rest of the water disappears and you are left with not much coffee. I need coffee in the morning. I guess we need another coffee maker. It must grind & brew though, since I could never go back to having to grind beans by hand in my sleep first thing in the morning. We've had this one for 2 years and it has totally spoiled us! And I should also be getting out of bed and into the shower and heading off to work. But, I feel lazy this morning. It has to be lack of coffee. And Jo is sitting next to me laughing because Good Morning America has some thing on about high blood pressure and what to do about it. My doctor to me yesterday she wants to start regularly checking my blood pressure as it has been high ("borderline" or whatever that means) for the last 6 months. But, she doesn't want me to do anything about it, or get checked again until after the prelim. A wise decision indeed.

satisfaction

2005-07-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

The problem with me (Actually, I volley back and forth on whether or not this is a problem or a good driving force, but that is beside the point and right now this seems mostly problematic.) is that no matter how much I do, I always think I could have done more. Even though I spent 3 and a half days this weekend doing nothing but studying, I wonder if I could have done it better/more/differently. Even though I got up in the middle of the night last night because I came up with the idea of making a "where standpoint theorists stand on standpoint theory" spreadsheet, I still am left with some nagging feeling that I could have and ought to be doing so much more. Even though my wrists are sore, and my eyes are bloodshot, I still think it isn't somehow enough. I used to talk to my old therapist about this a lot. She would try to convince me that I ought to feel good and be satisfied with the work I do. I would try to convince her that it was good that I was never satisfied, because then I would keep working. I can see her now totally cracking up as I try to argue for dissatisfaction (she did used to laugh at me/with me- I appreciated that about her). Of course, I realize constant dissatisfaction has side effects. And of course I know it isn't a terrible idea to let myself feel good about things every once in a while (and I do). It just isn't my usual response. I'll have to work on that. Meanwhile, I am actually looking forward to going in to work tomorrow! I've been cooped up in the house mulling over the answers to questions that may/may not be on the prelim. I need some mundane work!! It will be lovely.

happy 4th

2005-07-04T07:18:00.000-05:00

long weekend

2005-07-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'll give you 3 guesses as to how I am spending my long weekend. (Oh come on, you shouldn't even need 2 guesses to figure that out!) Anyway, here is the itunes mix I made for this month of my life. These are the songs that are especially key for keeping me going. At least if I have to spend a long weekend studying, I am (a) studying something very interesting and (b) listening to some of my favorite music. Let Me Go Easy Indigo Girls Rarities Sitting Cat Stevens Tea for the Tillerman Watershed Indigo Girls Nomads Indians Saints Get Gone Fiona Apple When The Pawn... Spring Street Dar Williams Out There Live Tuesday's Dead Cat Stevens Teaser And The Firecat Letter To A John/Tamuritza Lingua Ani DiFranco So Much Shouting So Much Laughter Wise Up Aimee Mann Aimee Mann Magnolia Knuckle Down Ani Difranco Knuckle Down Uncle John's Band Indigo Girls Rarities The Blessings Dar Williams Mortal City The Boxer Simon & Garfunkel Bridge Over Troubled Water Mona Lisas And Mad Hatters Indigo Girls Rarities Bitterblue Cat Stevens Teaser And The Firecat Shame On You Indigo Girls Retrospective Walk On U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind Hand Me Downs Indigo Girls Nomads Indians Saints Elsewhere Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Towards Ecstasy The Ocean Dar Williams Mortal City Half A World Away R.E.M. Out Of Time Rubylove Cat Stevens Teaser And The Firecat Up Up Up Up Up Up Ani DiFranco Up Up Up Up Up Up Get Out The Map Indigo Girls Shaming Of The Sun Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall Simon & Garfunkel Parsley, Sage, Rosemary And Thyme Fugitive Indigo Girls Swamp Ophelia Boy in the Well R.E.M. Around The Sun I Don't Wanna Know Indigo Girls 1200 Curfews Recoil Ani Difranco Knuckle Down I'll Give You My Skin Indigo Girls Rarities

I just have to say...

2005-07-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

I just have to take a break from celebrating Jo's birthday (not a break from studying as I have yet to do anything but feel sick about that today) to go on a brief political rant about O'Connor resigning. Holy Crap, folks. I got the news in my inbox this morning from HRC and immediately felt a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. More than once today I have thought "good god- if only Kerry was going to be replacing these judges and not Bush." This was one of main the reasons why I made phone calls and pounded the pavement for Kerry (I'm not, nor have ever been a die-hard democrat). O'Conner was the deciding "moderate" swing vote on so many choice and civil rights issues. Bush will only take this opportunity to put one (two, as I am sure Renquist isn't going to last long) very neo-con, fascist judge(s) on the court (you can read about some of them here if you have a strong stomach). Roe v. Wade will most likely be overturned if 2 of these neo-cons get on the bench. When abortion becomes illegal the Bush Crime Family will have even more blood on their hands (as women begin dying from illegal abortions). I spent yesterday afternoon with my BBBS little sister. She had some important questions out-of-the-blue about Bush and why he hates poor people. She wanted to know why Bush didn't have to work hard to become the president- how he had connections, and came from a privileged background. We talked about how much the war in Iraq is costing, and what that money could be spent on here in the U.S. This is a kid who doesn't have healthcare and her mother can't work because there is no childcare for her children. She didn't know that in other countries (like Canada), everyone has healthcare. She also wanted to know why toys were made in China and not here where people need jobs. She told me when she asks questions in math class, the teachers tell her to figure it out herself. But, she loves activity/puzzle books and we discovered that she loves Mad Libs. She could have done those all day. I tried to talk to her about Pat Hill Collins' Black Feminist Thought, but she might be slightly too young to get that (yet). We passed the large Army recruiting building on the way to her place. It is, after all, right next to the low-income housing development. I told her that I'll have to make her watch Fahrenheit 9/11 soon. Okay. That was enough of a political rant. I feel better now.

happy birthday jo!

2005-07-01T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today is Jo's birthday! I woke her up with a lovely cup of coffee in a beautiful hand-made mug with a dragonfly on it that my parents sent her. Soon we are going to run errands (not much birthday fun, but we really only had $1.61 in the bank until today). We'll do anything she wants today (and she promises I can study for a few hours). They'll be berries with whipped cream later on and I'll indulge her by watching a couple old sci-fi movies that I usually would make her watch on her own (I'm not as in to them as she is). I think tomorrow my study break will be hitting a matinee of the new War of the Worlds. I usually loath remakes, but this one, and the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory look worth it! We always check email first thing in the morning (right up there with feeding the cats and making coffee). This morning Jo got 2 emails of questions for interviews in 2 German music magazines! The questions are great and from them we can tell they did a serious amount of research on Jo and her music- which is so awesome! She is still getting great radio play, and has a live on-air interview with a radio station in Germany this week. I am so proud of her! I always said (well, I wasn't the only one who said this, but I always agreed) that her music would do so much better in Europe than here. I also googled her this morning (it is interesting to gauge success by googling) and her upcoming album, Island, is discussed all over the place- mostly in languages that google translate doesn't do a very good job with, but still it is wonderful to see her album listed along side Goldfrappe and other well-knowns. Happy birthday Jo!

(on) nodding (off)

2005-06-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

Last night I had terrible insomnia. It wasn't the kind of insomnia that makes me toss and turn and feel generally miserable about not sleeping. It was the kind that keeps me wide awake (maybe that was the coffee I drank?) staring wide-eyed at the ceiling. Here's a snapshot of the crap going through my head that was keeping me from sleeping... ...maybe my tables are stretching out when dreamweaver renders them because the height for the whole table is off?......I could get up really early and finish some more book editing to get it done......will my prelim committee be finished grading my prelim before the ASA meeting in August... will I know the results before I leave?...while I am there... should I tell them to wait to after my presentation?......will I have to stare at them wondering what the results are...will I be happy?...embarrassed?......maybe the cells in the tables are the correct height and the whole table height is wrong so things get stretched out that way......Mohanty has that critique of Western views of non-Western women... what was that about again?......hey, July 4th is some kind of holiday and I don't have to work... I can stay home and get a full day of studying in......who is that person who critiques the term "difference"... is that King? Deborah King... oh hey, I remember something.....maybe the website from the first time they did the course is still up....maybe I can look at that for some more ideas about the organization of this website.....should I turn off our a/c?... You get the idea. I got up and worked some more until 2am. Today at work I was so tired I could have slept at my desk. See, I have this problem (Jo knows about this all too well) of thinking too much all the time. She understands that when I say things that seem out of whack with the conversation we are having, that it isn't because I wasn't listening, it is because I was thinking something else at the same time. During the last couple weeks Jo has been noticing that I nod my head a lot sometimes. The first time she noticed this was while we were watching Six Feet Under. I was nodding my head like I was agreeing with something on the show, but there was nothing to agree with. I guess she also noticed me doing this a lot at the talk we went to at Rainbow Community Bookstore. I know that evening I had a lot of information to mull over, so while the talk was going on I was thinking about many other things. I was totally multitasking while I was there. Then, I noticed myself nodding a little on the bus this morning. I was reading, and had music playing and I was also thinking about something else entirely. Have I become so totally strange that I am nodding along with whatever is going on in my head? Jeez. I really hope not. Am I just too tired to hold my head still? Let me know if you see me doing this, please.

lupins for you

2005-06-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

I have neither the time to blog right now, nor anything even slightly interesting to blog about. So, I give you this beautiful picture of Lupins, seen throughout Maine in June. I took this picture on the side of Route 1 in Woolwich. Enjoy!

the way we were

2005-06-26T21:12:00.000-05:00

While we're on the topic of movies... tonight Jo and I were going to rent Suspect Zero (pay per view on digital cable) but of course, the digital cable kept giving us some kind of "system not available error." I seriously considered going back in my office to study instead of watching a movie, but good god, I can't spend 12 hours a day sitting in there! So we flipped around and found The Way We Were on AMC. I've never seen it (Jo had but it had been a while). I'm not one for romance movies. I am just not into them at all-- unless they have some kind of interesting plot (beyond romance as that alone doesn't count as an interesting plot), and are set in some equally interesting time period. This movie satisfied both those requirements. I loved the character Katie. I love the late 30s-40s and I love that the film was made in the 70s (it had that wonderful 70s feel but also the song Memories would drift in an out so often in a way they could only do in a 70s movies). So, I loved it. Yes, I actually loved (and maybe cried during) a romance movie. Now it is back to finishing up some studying before heading to bed. I think I have indeed reached the point where sleeping seems like a waste (but I know I need at least 7 hours or my mind can't function, and I know that keeping my body generally healthy is key) BUT I know tomorrow morning at 6am I'll wake up and instead of lying around drinking my coffee, I'll end up in here and try to get something done. Is there enough time? Have I done enough by this point? The hell if I know. If I think about it too much I'll loose it. My enemy and my friend is always thinking too much all the time. I just keeping plugging along. Its all about balance and movement. And thanks to Ang for the words of wisdom. They really mean a lot, Ang. (And I am taking you out to eat after this exam for putting together the gender prelim bible.) I'll bookmark that post and read it again sometime soon. Its good to know I am not alone in this insanity...

"party on Wayne!"

2005-06-26T17:49:00.000-05:00

As Ang and Dorotha did, I'll post some movies I am ashamed to admit I love. I've been so deep in feminist critiques of white, middle-class, Eurocentric ways of thinking that anything to distract me is welcome... Wayne's World: This movie just takes me back to junior high when Jony and watched it probably over 100 times. I'll still watch it when it is on, but it isn't as funny as it used to be. Except for the part where Garth looses it and stabs all the donuts- that just always cracks me up for some reason. Centerstage: I agree with Ang on this movie. For some reason I love dance, especially the hard work it entails and there is something about this movie that I just love. The acting is bad and the ending is trite- but it is great. I've seen it about 5 times. 9 to 5: This has been one of my favorite movies since I was very little. I don't know if I consider to be all that bad in terms of movies (I think it is a freakin' great movie), but most would probably disagree with me so I added it to this list. I used to love to run around saying "sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot" when I was a kid. I still do. Big Business: Speaking of Lilly Tomlin... this time with Bette Midler (oh- should I admit to loving the movie Beaches? Nah.) Big Business is truly embarrassing to admit. It's bad- just really hokey and silly. Its about 2 sets of twins that are mistakenly split up at birth. One set of un-matched twins ends up in the big business world of NYC and the other set winds up in some very small and shamelessly hickish town that of course the other set of twins is out to strip-mine. 10 Things I Hate About You: "Taming of the Shrew" but with kids in a super-rich Californian high school. This movie is all about one of the things I hate about movies- upper class everything. People with money dripping off of them and it isn't even necessary for the plot. But, what can I say, if it is on, I watch it!

headache, headache, go away.

2005-06-26T08:24:00.000-05:00

I woke up with a heachache yesterday. Instead of beginning to study early in the morning, I did everything I could to get rid of the headache, and didn't start until 10am. Yesterday the reward for my studying was taking my BBBS little sister to a "carnival" at the Boys & Girls club. It was fun- they had all kinds of games to play and they gave all the kids dinner and prizes. My little's entire family attended, so her mother asked me to drive the youngest three there with my little sister. Well, it took me 15 minutes to dig the seat belts out of the backseat of my volvo. Its been a long time since someone sat back there. Then, there was the argument about who had to sit in the middle (the youngest ended up there even though she wanted the window but she was small enough to just be moved there by her older sister). Then, I had three kids laughing, singing, moving around a lot and kicking the back of my seat for the entire drive across town. My little was in the front turning around every few minutes and telling them to knock it off. They really were cute kids, and for their ages they were well-behaved, but the experience just gently reminded me that 1 kid is perfect, and 3 are a handful. I don't know how my parents did it! Anyway, back to the exciting topic of headaches. Just the other day I was congratulating myself for being so good to my neck and shoulders and for keeping great posture. I haven't had a bad headache in a couple months now. Then, I get one yesterday and I have one (not quite as bad) again today. Maybe it is the heat, humidity and rain? I don't know, but I am going to finish my coffee, get up and take some advil and a long shower. Then, it is on to cover as many prelim questions as possible so that I can feel good about renting a movie with Jo tonight. Work starts again tomorrow. I get so much more done when I don't work during the day, but complaining about having a job just isn't right, right?

rewards

2005-06-24T17:58:00.000-05:00

After studying for the prelim until 2pm, I decided my reward ought to be going to the recycling center with Jo. It was too hot to be outside driving around in a volvo without a/c. By the time we got home I just felt like I was melting. I guess that's not much of a reward. Tonight is a better reward. We are going out to dinner with Bob and Jodi. A beer and a good meal will hit the spot. I got through 3 whole prelim questions today! I am just charging ahead with this and kicking any kind of panic aside. At least the material is fascinating. I listened to the new Indigo Girls collection "Rarities" 10+ times today. I can't focus when it is quiet. Will that be a problem for the actual exam? Jeez I hope not. I should warn readers that I anticipate my blog becoming pretty boring in the upcoming weeks. I apologize now for this and I promise that in August it will return to whatever is considered "normal" for this blog...

damn it

2005-06-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

all I did tonight was read one article, and then I decided to make study schedule for the rest of the days before the prelim. after typing out a schedule the remaining days, and seeing that (smallish) list of days on paper, I proceeded to panic and then shut down. I downloaded a bunch of cool widgets for my dashboard. constructive use of time, eh? once I filled my schedule with everything I still have to do and saw that it all fits, I felt slightly better. of course, my schedule leaves no time for any fun or goofing off. I swear to god I will not let fear and panic rule studying for this test. I will not pass that way. I need to shake this off. tomorrow is a new day. I'll get up early and hit the books. (I'll also go out and buy some kind of natural eye drops. Working on one computer or another for 10+ hours a day is really not great for my eyes. Last summer I thought my sore eyes were from allergies. Now I know it is just from trying to cram work into summertime.)

to my gray hairs

2005-06-23T18:57:00.000-05:00

I see you all the time now. I don't dislike you. I really don't mind that you are there. I believe, afterall, that gray hair (or white hair in my case) and wrinkles are a sign of wisdom and maturity. So, I won't dye you- although my hairdresser suggested this when I last got my hair cut. I won't pluck you out, either. I'm not very vain- I really don't care. Just like I don't care about the wrinkle lines around my eyes. You won't see me wearing eye cream at night. I have one question for you. My question is not why are you showing up all over the place (that can probably be chalked up to grad school), but why you need to be kinky and stick out in strange ways. I've always had very straight hair so finding kinky white hairs sticking out of my head a little weird. I finally found a hair cut I like, but if I keep getting more of you, I'm not sure what my hair will look like.

What are the chances?

2005-06-22T17:39:00.000-05:00

We all get email spam. It tries very hard to look like email a person might want to open up. The emails use crazy name combinations and subject headings trying to sound like normal email. Once I got an email from Edgar Allen Poe with the subject "I'm not mad at you any more." I filter out spam email with the wonderful little app SpamSieve so I don't have to constantly look at emails about viagra and large penises. Every once in a while I look through the folder of filtered spam for anything important. Tonight I got an email from Irma Grace. What is odd about that? Well. That is the name I would want to name a baby girl. Irma was my grandmother's name and Grace was my other grandmother's middle name. That was the name Jo and I were set on until my mother told me that not only did my grandmother not really like her name (Irma) but that she made my mother swear that no one would be given that name. That kind of puts a damper on the name Irma, although I still think it is beautiful. (Instead we are going with Charlotte Grace.) (I'm not pregnant or anything- that takes some planning- which I am sure I'll blog about in due time.) So what are the chances of getting spam from an Irma Grace? I think it is pretty damn weird.

the end of a long day

2005-06-21T22:06:00.000-05:00

Well finally I am sitting in front of my computer. Am I making copious notes from the meeting I had with my advisor today? No. Am I studying for the prelim? Nope. I am blogging before I go into bed? Yes. I have a tall glass of water and the apartment is cooling down to a nice chilly sleeping temp thanks to our wonderful a/c. I feel like I crammed a lot of stuff into today. And my brain is a little on overload. I worked a bunch of hours this morning and crossed a fair amount off of the work to-do list. I had that 2 hour lunch meeting with my advisor. I raced home from that to pick up my BBBS little sister. She got to pick dinner and a movie as her birthday was this past weekend. She picked out frozen pizza, ice cream and the movie White Chicks. Yes, folks, I watched White Chicks. I wouldn't recommend it by any stretch of the imagination, but it had a plot and was more interesting that White Noise. After my little sister (who turned 11 this Saturday) told me no one in her family really remembered her birthday, I found some b-day candles and made her go into living room while I stuck them in her ice cream. She made a wish and blew them out. Everyone ought to at least make a birthday wish with some candles. Especially an 11 year old. 11 seems like such a great age to be. Then, Jo and I raced off to an actual evening activity/social event! Yes, blog readers, Jo and I, the usual stay-at-home-types went out to see a presentation at Rainbow Community Bookstore by people from Bitch magazine and LiP magazine. It was really great. It is good to get out sometimes, I guess. Even when it means venturing down to State Street, parking and dealing with the crowds of diners and shoppers. So I think I might start getting up early to work on my own writing every morning. I know I tried this my first year, when I decided that I ought to be getting up at 5am and cranking out tons of academic writing. At the time that self-set standard crippled me for a very long time. This time the decision came more organically. I didn't even decide this because my advisor told me to write more (although I do remember her saying years ago that writing was what academics get paid for doing). I just think I need to be working on stuff more. I've been so caught up in the prelim that when I talked about my own work today it made me realize that I can't let myself get too far away from it. I guess I better go to bed now then. I'll start in the morning with at least typing up some notes or something...

I'm back in the midwest...

2005-06-20T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well I am now back here in Madison. I arrived yesterday morning and spent the day running errands, and then watching some movies with Jo (skip White Noise- it wasn't worth it). I actually unpacked everything from my trip already (this usually takes me days) and put my snazzy new suitcases away (I came home with far more stuff then I left with- highlights include the new suitcases with really nice rims on their little wheels, some ceramic cookware, and some yummy fiddleheads!) I fell asleep at 8:30pm. I was up at 4:30am EST to catch my 6am flight, afterall. I went back to work today. I wasn't as swamped with emails and things to do as I thought I might be, though. Everything at work was pretty quiet and slow. Just the way I like it. I just need to get away from Wisconsin (well, actually grad school) every few months, and I also need a Maine-fix twice a year or so. I feel generally refreshed and so much less frazzled. Even about the prelim. Maybe I had to hit sheer panic, and then come out of it into someplace of cool composure (well, not actually composure, but some kind of disassociative survival mechanism). Could I panic again tomorrow? Tonight? It could happen. Whatever it is, it is working for me right now. And speaking of work I ought to be getting something done. Jo is playing piano, the a/c is working and I am drinking ice tea out of one of our new lovely amber-colored glasses. And I have fiddleheads to eat tonight!

yummy

2005-06-17T18:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had lobstah for dinner (I like spelling it that way, ok?). It was wonderful! Some truly yummy, yummy food and now I am too stuffed to think about eating anything else (well, there is always room for ice cream). I ate so much food I feel intoxicated. Here's the lobstah in Dad's lobstah pot. Everyone in coastal Maine has one of these big pots and you can practically buy them at the drug store (well, I don't think CVS sells them but the grocery stores do). Here's Maryann bent over the lobstah after Dad dumped them out in the sink. She is either trying to eat them, or getting an open-mouth seafood steam facial. Another amazing element of the meal- my Dad's broccoli and cheese sauce. And the bowl of shells and stuff at the end of a wonderful meal! Now I really want ice cream. I think we might have to go across the bridge to Dairy Queen to get some.

Looney Lagoon

2005-06-17T07:29:00.000-05:00

Looney Lagoon is one of those strange local landmarks that has been there forever and is actually pretty creepy. It is on the Old Bath Road between Brunswick and Bath. I've never actually seen anyone stop and look at it, as if it were a tourist destination. I stopped once and looked around a little during high school. At the time the water in the lagoon was pretty low, and I noticed that painted on the bottom of some of the "characters" was "666." Well, this just made the lagoon even creepier. I don't know much more about it. I guess the guy mowing the lawn in the last picture might be the owner/proprietor who lives near the lagoon. The lagoon in all its looniness: Another picture showing the variety of "characters" surrounding the lagoon: Here is the picture with the guy mowing in it. This shows the other side of the lagoon. I am heading back to the Midwest early Sunday morning. I haven't checked my work email account yet so I'm probably in for a zillion emails on Monday. I've gotten a fair amount of prelim studying done. Not as much as I imagined (I brought some methods books, but I am still on theory) but I am finally getting into the swing of it and while I am developing Reba's Twitchy Eye Prelim Syndrome I am doing pretty OK at remaining relatively calm for now. But, you might not want to be anywhere near me in July. I'm just warning you... Well dad is home today and is going out to get lobstah for dinner! So, I'll get my butt off the couch now and get in the shower. Enjoy the Looney Lagoon pics!

Henderson's Greenhouse

2005-06-16T07:32:00.000-05:00

One of the things that fascinates me about small towns is the history that surrounds so many of the houses, buildings and places. And I am not talking only about the kind of history that might wind up in the town's historical society, but the kind of history that intersects with generations of families, town legends, and people's personal history. This history is the kind of history that makes Bath a community- that makes me know the place even 10 years after living here just by driving around. So, I'll give you an example of a building steeped in such history. This is the old Henderson's Greenhouse on North Street. I guess now it is a daycare. When it was a greenhouse, the white structure on the right was the glass greenhouse. I didn't even know all of this history until I had my mom drive me by to take a picture and she told me more. My Nana had a best friend, Murphy (yes, somehow that is a woman's name. Mom isn't sure if this was her real name or not) who I vaguely remember from when I was little. Murphy, I guess, worked at the greenhouse when it was owned by Mel Henderson. Mom thinks that is maybe how Nana met Murphy. Nana used to get all her flowers for Eastern Star* at the greenhouse. I guess Nana also used to make cookies** for Mel and his boyfriend/partner. When I was born (near easter), my dad stopped at the greenhouse and made Mel sell him the huge stuffed bunny on display in the window. I remember going to the greenhouse for different things when I was very young. They also had antiques that they sold in the back and I think I used to go their with Grammy (my father's mother) to look at them. I remember Mel's Greenhouse mostly from high school. Our theatre director, Mrs. M. knew Mel and we would go there to borrow furniture and props for plays. We used to walk through the many back rooms of antiques with Mel and Mrs. M. would pick out different things for our plays. Well, during my junior year in high school Mel Henderson was shot and killed right in the doorway of the greenhouse by a young man who had worked for him. It was pretty well known in town that the reason for the murder was because Mel was gay. There were never-proven allegations of sexual molestation, and it came out in trial that the murderer was mentally ill. After that, the greenhouse stayed open for a while, run by Mel's partner. It was closed for years, and now it is daycare center. I guess that is probably more of a history than most places in Bath have! Tomorrow I'll post pictures of our famous landmark, Looney Lagoon. * Yes, Eastern Star is truly a creepy Mason thing. My aunt and grandmother were very involved in it for many years, holding offices with titles like "Worthy Grand Martha." The Masonic Temple here in Bath was sold recently (too expensive to heat) and is going to become (Bath's first?) art museum. ** My Nana made cookies for everyone she truly liked. She made especially amazing Snickerdoodles and Ginger cookies.

again, drama with the local paper

2005-06-15T16:32:00.000-05:00

Well it seems that once again, the local paper made me come very close to writing another letter to the editor. But, I figured that since I don't live in Bath anymore, and since I just wrote a letter to the editor recently, that someone else could write in or people might think I have no life (I wouldn't want them to know the truth). Why? Well someone at the paper decided to give the following headline to an article about the upcoming performance of the Vagina Monologues at our local theatre: "The Vagina Monologues Opens for a One-Night Stand" What the hell kind of town do I come from anyway? Good god! Well thankfully today, there are two letters to the editor about the sexism of the headline (here is one of them). I'm glad others were also outraged. It is very cold and rainy here today. I'm happy I thought to bring a long-sleeved shirt and sweater. I spent the day helping mom get her website online. She officially a business owner today! I also spent the afternoon installing Quickbooks on her computer, and trying to wipe viruses and spyware from her PC. That was actually kind of novel, with my imac and ibook I never get to fool around with such stuff! Mom and Maryann are at the dress rehearsal for their dance show that I get to see this Saturday. Dad and I are heading to Fat Boy for dinner and some shopping. Maybe I'll read something for the prelim tonight, like Black Feminist Thought or Feminism & Postmodernism. Otherwise, I'll feel totally useless (academically speaking, anyway).

ok, I'll play along

2005-06-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

Sir Edwin has passed the baton to me... Total volume of music on my computer: 1855 songs, 5.3 days, 7.89 GB (Last CD I bought:) New version: "What is the last music you acquired?" Well, I "acquired" the unreleased (and not as great as the hype surrounding it) Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple though bittorrent. The most recent CD I purchased is Ani Difranco's wonderful new album Knuckle Down. Song Playing Right Now: "You Come Through for Me" on Uh Huh Her by Polly Jean Harvey. Five Songs I Listen to a Lot: I have to pick only 5? Okay, I'll try. "Rise Up" on All that We Let In by the Indigo Girls "Sitting" on Tea for the Tillerman by Cat Stevens "Up Up Up Up Up" on Upx5 by Ani Difranco "The Hunter" on Homogenic by Bjork "Recoil" on Knuckle Down by Ani Difranco "The Big Sky" on Hounds of Love by Kate Bush oops- that was 6. I can't delete any one of them. oh well. I'll pass this on to these 5 people: the maryann show wenders islander fidgety budgie bookish wendy

a new look

2005-06-14T19:31:00.000-05:00

Knit me more time finally has a new look. It took me a while to find a template that didn't look terrible, wasn't very common, and wasn't too boring. I think this one is pretty nice. What do you think? Because I spent so much time tweaking this template today, I won't actually post. I have a post mostly written about my reunion this past weekend, so I'll post those details tomorrow.

seen near the ocean

2005-06-13T14:02:00.000-05:00

I spent a relatively productive morning studying at the local library. It isn't air conditioned, but it had wireless internet. I tried not to be too distracted by the internets, and surprisingly resisted the urge to blog. Tonight we are heading to Freeport for dinner and LLBean. I guess I need one of those LLBean travel bags for my toiletries instead of the plastic ziplock bag I've been using for months now. I meant to post these pictures last night when I posted the other pictures from Reid State Park. Here is some of the local scenery. An old boat and lots of lobstah traps (they are not in the ocean b/c the red tide is bad here right now). And here is one that isn't really anything to look at, but it is pretty funny. On our way back from Reid State Park, Maryann and I went to pick up a friend of hers from college whose family has a summer home in that area. We had to find "Moore's Turnpike" and below is the turnpike in all its costal-Maine glory.

the ocean

2005-06-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Maryann and I went out to Reid State Park. It was very hot in town (in the 90s) but the coast was cool and misty. Of course there were people swimming- both in the warmer lagoon and the (much) colder ocean. I walked alone the edge of the ocean for a little bit, but it seems I have lost my ability to stand the freezing cold water. Pine trees at the ocean's edge. It must be difficult to be a pine tree so close to the rocks and the ocean, but they do a wonderful job. It was very foggy at the beach. Thick fog that made the islands and parts of the coast vanish from time to time- it made me think of the movie The Fog.

a thousand words

2005-06-12T16:12:00.000-05:00

This picture totally sums up the differences between my sister and I. (This was taken at Reid State Park yesterday- more pictures of that, as well as a post about my reunion last night are coming soon.)

reunion weekend

2005-06-11T06:45:00.000-05:00

Bath is quite a bit more busy than usual this weekend, with hundreds of Morse High School alumni in town. Last year was a little more festive, with the parade and all, but this year businesses still have "welcome home alumni" signs in their windows. I went shopping with my mother yesterday for a dress for her to wear to her reunion (it is her 35th). I am really not the person to take dress shopping as I generally don't like dresses and by the time we found one, and then went shoe shopping I was too disgusted with the tiny little high-healed things to even pay attention to them. So she has a pretty cool dress and still has to get shoes today. She and I also have a bet going that everyone wears dresses to their reunion. I am wearing my "conference" outfit as I am very comfortable in it. It is (*gasp*) pants and a linen shirt. I even wear (*gasp*) a necklace with it. I know Jony is wearing cords and birks. I wonder if everyone else tonight will be all glammed out. That would really be funny if that were the case. So today we are heading to a huge yard sale. Bowdoin College collected all the stuff students left behind after moving out and is selling it for charity. Should be kind of interesting, I guess. And then the rest of the day I'll get some reading done and then head off with Jony for the reunion later. I'll take pictures with my dad's camera and post them later. For now, here is a picture of the inside of my Nana's house which was sold last week. It was in the family for generations so it is very strange to drive by it. This is the kitchen, the cabinets were made all by hand by a relative who used to work on cabinets in ships. This is not how I remember it as it is all cleaned out and empty. I have a wonderful picture somewhere of my Nana ironing in her kitchen, totally unaware I was taking a picture. When I find that one I'll post it to.

"breath easy- you're in Maine*"

2005-06-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm in Maine now. I am so very, very sleepy that I don't think I'll blog much. My flight left at 6am, which meant getting up at 4am. My plan was to sleep on the plane, but for some reason I was wide awake so I decided to get some work done on my laptop inflight. I was literally the only person not sleeping. The guy next to me was snoring and I was typing away. I spent the day catching up on gossip, and finding out about the new buildings and things that spring up around time. On the way home from the airport we got lunch at my favorite place, Fat Boys and I thoroughly enjoyed my lobstah roll and onion rings. Fat Boys is right across Route 1 from BNAS (Brunswisk Navel Air Station) which was on the recent base closure list. Planes are still flying in and out but there is a much uncertainty about what the closure will do the the area's economy. And Bath Iron Works has cancelled its 3rd shift, and laid off some employees (and there are rumors that more will be laid off with each pay day). Its just very uncertain times around here. But, of course the Wal*Mart is expanding into a Super Wal*Mart-- Wal*Mart just thrives on hard times like these... I am so happy for the change of scenary. Whenever I have a chance to get out of Madison, I always need to sooo very badly. This time I am just feeling a little too frantic and less in control of everything on my plate the past couple days for my taste. Work has been crazy and finishing up all I wanted to slowed down a little with my swollen hands last weekend. It's always something, isn't it? I seriously need to lie in the cool sand on the beach tomorrow night for a little while (and the weather is beautiful so hopefully lots of stars will be out). The ocean, the sand, and the stars are just so focusing and grounding. Maybe I will try to do some more work before I go to bed? No, maybe I'll just do it in the morning. *This is on a huge poster in Portland airport. I must take a picture of it on my way back to Wisconsin. It is very new looking, but the family pictured in it looks like they have stepped out of the early 80s. Did I mention I packed my digital camera, but not the extra battery and charger?? Duh. I'll have to borrow my dad's and sister's while I am here...

nun better!

2005-06-08T18:19:00.000-05:00

I was having a pretty crappy, busy day at work today when I got an email from Jo titled "blog for my girl." I opened it and found this wonderfully brilliant blog, the Rubber Nun! Check out her nun photos- very, very funny stuff. See, Jo knows I have this fascination with nuns. I can't really explain it. I remember when I was about 12 I wanted to either be a truck driver or a nun and I used to tell my parents that (to shock them) all the time. I love all movies that have to do with nuns- the Sound of Music would be my favorite but also A Nun's Story, the Devils of Loudon, Nunsense, hell, even Sister Act cracks up. I would blog more but I am tired, and I still have to pack. The next time I blog it will be from Maine (the way life should be)!